The first televised edition of the Hollywood Film Awards got a little cringey last night when a very intoxicated Johnny Depp presented the Hollywood Documentary Award to the legendary talent manager and film agent Shep Gordon.
John Elway is as popular as ever in Denver, but name dropping Elway did not help Broncos practice squad safety John Boyett when he was arrested on Monday. Elway, the Broncos general manager, didn't seem too impressed either, because he cut Boyett on Thursday.Well now. Start the clock:
Boyett allegedly had a heck of a time out, it sounds like from the police report, via the Denver Post. Take a gander at what Boyett was arrested for. It's quite the list:
"In summary, according to the police report, Boyett was highly intoxicated, threatened a bartender at a sports bar where he ate, drank and did shots, was belligerent to his fellow patrons, assaulted a cab driver, stole a shovel from a construction site so he could whack the cab driver, fled the scene and tried to hide from police by trying to bury himself under mulch."
...It's not like that report wasn't enough for the Broncos to consider cutting Boyett, who was cut by the Colts last September after being charged with disorderly public intoxication and resisting arrest (he allegedly played the "I'm a Colts player" card then), but Boyett then decided that his best move was to tell the police to "contact his boss, John Elway." He did this repeatedly, the Post said, after he was arrested and put in the back of a patrol car.
I take no joy from this, as a Raiders fan. None. ...Okay, maybe a little."Dear Johnny B.,
Good luck on all of your futureendeavorsparole hearings.
Sincerely,
John Elway"
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This being a Rummy post is purely due to TJ's laziness.The Knicks' 89-85 victory over the Pistons last night was less a basketball game than a war of attrition waged by two armies that can't shoot straight. So what's a celebrity like Michelle Rodriguez supposed to do while sitting courtside at such a miserable sporting event? Get shitfaced, obviously.Start the clock...
The New York Post, which has its own gallery of photos of Rodriguez, reports that the actress spent most of the night boozing and vapin' on an e-cig, which is never a bad way to spend an evening.
The animal was seen stealing three six-packs of beer from campers before ransacking rubbish bags for food.TJ first sent me this story at about 9 a.m. today; 15+ hours later, I'm still searching for something witty to add to all of this. So far all I've got is, "Go home, Pig, you're drunk."
One camper reported seeing the pig guzzling the beer before getting involved in an altercation with a cow.
"In the middle of the night these people camping opposite us heard a noise, so they got their torch out and shone it on the pig and there he was, scrunching away at their cans," said the visitor, who estimated that the pig had consumed 18 beers.
"Then he went and raided all the rubbish bags. There were some other people camped right on the river and they saw him being chased around their vehicle by a cow."
The pig was reportedly last seen resting under a tree, possibly nursing a hangover.
This might just be the most perfect news blurb to ever be blurb'd. But, for the sake of a challenge, let's see what I can do:Well hello there, Luis.Luis Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night, hiding in a cactus, after he crashed his Ford Explorer in the 2600 block of Pennsylvania NE on Monday night.
Briones’ female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head, but was in stable condition when she was sent to the hospital, police said.
Police said Briones was heading north on Pennsylvania when he ran a red light and struck a car heading westbound on Menaul NE.
“Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger and sped off… at a high rate of speed,” the Albuquerque police officer wrote in a criminal complaint. “Their activities presented a danger to others in the roadway as exhibited by the accident.”
Witnesses told police Briones was clearly drunk when he got out of his car, and officers found a partially full bottle of vodka in the vehicle.
When Briones tried to drive away from the scene, leaving his passenger behind, a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition.
That’s when Briones tried to take cover in a cactus, where he later refused police demands and became hostile with paramedics and others, police said.
Parks and Recreation star Aubrey Plaza stepped onstage while Will Ferrell was accepting his MTV Golden Popcorn Comedic Genius trophy.Oh, Aubrey. Let me count the ways I love thee.
She had #The To Do List, the name of her new movie, written on her chest. Ferrell, who was dressed in a suit made of dollar-bill fabric, had just been speaking of his dreams to make people laugh and "dress like Dennis Rodman," in his acceptance speech.
A barefoot Plaza, carrying a drink, walked up on stage and tried to take the trophy. But Ferrell wouldn't let it go, so the actress, who said nothing, put her head down and scurried back to her seat in the front row, where she spilled her drink and then sat there.
The look on her face when the camera comes in for a close-up at the end...oh, we all know that one, don't we? That's the look of "I'm the asshole? ...I'm the asshole." |
| These two feel me. |
...I...I...fuck it, start the clock.Police in Boaz, Ala., say Matthew Todd, 24, was intoxicated during a crash this past Friday and arrested for DUI before being taken to an area hospital.
But while he was waiting for a room, he convinced hospital workers to let him go outside for a quick cigarette and, instead, attempted a quick getaway by jumping into an ambulance, according to WAFF-TV.
His plan didn't go as planned, according to Boaz Police Chief Todd Adams.
"He got the ambulance stuck at the end of Bernard Street and after that, he entered a barn and a connected pasture and tried to saddle two horses," Adams said, according to NBC News.
Anderson then stole another car, which he crashed. Then he stole another one and got away, but returned to the hospital the next day when he started bleeding from his original injuries, according to WHNT-TV. He was recognized and arrested.
Niles Gammons, 22, was first pulled over by an Urbana cop when he was spotted driving an Oldsmobile the wrong way in an alley. Pictured at right, Gammons was pulled over at 1:08 AM by an officer who reported that he reeked of booze and had glassy eyes.
Sergeant Dave Reese noted that when he sought to have Gammons perform a Breathalyzer test, “I could hear that he had something in his mouth.” As it turned out, Gammons’s mouth was filled with pennies.
“I then advised Niles that pennies in the mouth were a myth and that it did not help in taking a breath test,” Reese noted.
After Gammons’s blood alcohol content was measured at .116, he was arrested for drunk driving. After being transported to the Urbana police headquarters, Gammons was issued citations and “released to an adult.”
Following Gammons’s departure, Reese wrote, “At 2:00 AM, the time changed from daylight savings time to standard time and 2:00 AM became 1:00 AM.”
At 1:08 AM--“exactly one hour after the first stop”--Reese was driving his patrol car in Urbana’s municipal parking lot when a vehicle “backed out of a spot rapidly and nearly collided with my cruiser.”
Reese quickly determined that Gammons was behind the wheel. “I asked Niles why he was driving, because he was under suspension and still intoxicated.” Gammons replied that “his friend that picked him up dropped him off and refused to take him home.”
Then, in a sterling example of intoxicated logic, Gammons explained that he “was afraid of getting arrested for public intoxication so he decided to drive,” according to the police report.
Gammons was again arrested for drunk driving and transported to the Urbana Police Division, where his blood alcohol content registered .109.
The separate tickets issued to Gammons both carry the same date and time--November 4 at 1:08 AM.
Bravo, Mr. Gammons. Who needs a DeLorean and a white-haired meth addict, when you have daylight savings time and a penchant for making poor decisions?Jeremie Calo was arrested earlier this month for refusing to pay his $101 bar tab and fighting with a Florida restaurant manager after he and his date, Tiffani Lynn Barganier, allegedly had sex on a patio table in view of children.Start the clock...
...On the call, Murphy can be heard telling Calo to "sit down." The employee also tells the responder the man tried to flee the bar with two beers in his hands.
"He's shit faced now. He's being combative," Murphy explained.
But in the back of your mind, you're just waiting for them to say, "Well, you had sex with some slut on a table at the restaurant, in plain sight of some little kids. Then the manager called the cops and held you under citizen's arrest while the chick ran..."
A Minnesota man was charged Tuesday with felony criminal damage and entry into a locked building for allegedly breaking into the state Capitol through a fifth-floor window early Sunday.I've always been a big supporter of a government by the drunks, for the drunks.
Andrew C. Bishop, 21, of Roseville, Minn., had apparently scaled the outside of the Capitol and smashed a window to get into the building, then grabbed a fire extinguisher and threw it through another window, according to a criminal complaint filed in Dane County Circuit Court.
When police found him, he appeared to be passed out on a dome outside one of the windows, but woke up and began kicking at the glass, the complaint states.
Asked how he got where he was, Bishop replied, "I don't know." He apologized several times and said he felt like an angel and wanted to fly. Officer Justin Wichman said Bishop was very drunk, the complaint states.
Some people have a unique definition of the word "emergency." That’s certainly true of Seminole, Fla., resident Robert Hagerman, 56. He called 911 because his daughter wouldn’t get him a beer, police said. Of course, that’s not what he told authorities when he rang them up. He said his daughter was hitting him, throwing things at him and using drugs. When police arrived at the house they found a very intoxicated and uncooperative Hagerman. His daughter, luckily, had recorded the melee on her phone, and played it for the officers, who arrested Hagerman for making a false report of a crime. So until he pays the $150 bail, he'll be doing the kind of time that has nothing to do with Miller.My thoughts:
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| This isn't Justin pictured here; it's his patron saint. |
After a night out at a Portland, Oregon bar on Thursday, the 27-year-old made the wise decision not to drive home drunk.Mr. Gilpatrick didn't just cheat death, he cheated Darwinism.
Less wise, however, was the choice to curl up in a recycling dumpster to sleep off the booze.
Waste Management crews emptied the contents of the dumpster-- including Gilpatrick --into a compactor truck at around 1 a.m. on Friday, KGW reports. The truck driver drove for about a quarter of a mile and compacted his load twice before hearing Gilpatrick's terrified screams.
Gilpatrick survived largely because the truck was relatively empty, according to the New York Daily News. Had there been more recyclables in the compactor, the drunkard's prospects would have been grim.
Is it just me, or doesn't this sound like the backstory to a new superhero? "He was an ordinary man, living an ordinary life in Oregon. Until one night, when a terrible accident fused his body with recycled materials...and made him invincible! He is...CAPTAIN REUSABLE!"
Everett Lages was arrested outside of Emerald City strip club in Murdock, Fla. on Tuesday for repeatedly calling 911 after the owner prohibited him from entering with a kitten, according to a Charlotte County Sheriff's press release.There was a time when Rummy candidates seemed to only come around once every so often. Now it's like they pop up everyday. Not only that, but more and more of them involve animals in some way, shape, or form. These are strange times, folks. I've got so many questions that it's hard to choose where to start. Let's go with this:
When Emerald City's owner told the 47-year-old man to leave, he instead sat down outside and called the cops, the release said.
Lages appeared intoxicated when deputies arrived, prompting authorities to call him a taxi, according to the release.
The kitten-carrier refused to tell the cab driver where he lived and instead kept calling 911 -- despite sheriff's deputies still being at the scene -- so police arrested him.
Lages is charged with misuse of the 911 system, disorderly intoxication, trespassing after warning and resisting arrest without violence.
You know how this goes: The reception's over and everyone in the wedding party is slowly but surely getting their shit together to get on the hotel shuttle, where the party will likely continue. But Saturday night, just south of Pittsburgh, a couple of Yinzers had other ideas.*Deadspin has a video—shot by some of the duo's friends—of the two joyriders motoring down the road in the golf cart. Unfortunately they don't provide any embed code or link, so you'll have to go there to view it.
According to the Observer-Reporter of Washington (Pa.), the groom, 24-year-old Michael Mitchko, and one of his groomsmen, 27-year-old Ian Hopkins, "decided it would be fun" to swipe a golf cart from the country club hosting the reception and just drive that to the hotel instead. Because, of course.
Hopkins's and Mitchko's commute required getting on a stretch of highway, but that didn't deter them. The Observer-Reporter said they "didn't get very far" before a cop driving in the other direction noticed them puttering along in the shoulder of the road and pulled them over. Hopkins, the driver, somehow passed a field-sobriety test and was cited for disorderly conduct and driving an unregistered vehicle. Mitchko, the groom, was charged with disorderly conduct and public drunkenness. The country club chose not to press theft charges because the golf cart was returned.
A Cascade man was arrested outside of a Dubuque bar on Sunday night with a pet zebra and a macaw parrot in the front seat of his truck....Seriously. This state has electoral college votes. Seven of them.
Officers charged Jerald Reiter, 55, with OWI. Police reports say officers stopped him in the parking lot of the Dog House Lounge as he drove away in his truck. According to police, field sobriety tests showed Reiter had a blood alcohol level of .14. The legal limit in Iowa is .08.
Reiter tells KCRG.com that he and his girlfriend, Vickey Teters, see the animals like their kids and often take them for rides. On Sunday night, they say they took the zebra and the macaw to the bar because it often lets people bring their animals inside.
Reiter says the owner told him they were serving food that night and he couldn’t bring a zebra inside the bar. Bar owners tell KCRG.com that no animals are ever allowed inside the establishment.
On Monday we showed you photos of a soused Patrick Kane in Madison, Wis., and then we asked you if you knew more about what happened while Kane was there. We had heard some bad stories—that Kane supposedly choked a woman, that Kane supposedly said anti-Semitic things—and we wanted to know if other people had, too.The list of reports from Madison residents is lengthy, and at times funny—though the comedy typically comes from the often wildly naive comments college kids tend to make [For example: "He got the boot from Kappa Sig for choking this girl and then ppl jumped on him and his boys and kicked his ass out. Not that choking is ok, but if i was 23 and had that contract...."], and not for things Kane himself said or did. Let's summarize:
But what, after all, is boozy truth? The chronologies in our Kane tale do not perfectly cohere, nor do the narratives of the events. But you ignore them at your own peril. Did Kane choke a girl? Is he an anti-Semite?
An 80-year-old Oshkosh man was arrested for his second drunken driving offense Friday afternoon after he failed to stop for a stop sign and struck a beer delivery truck.I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Drinking is poetry.
The man was traveling west on West 17th Avenue at 1 p.m. Friday when he did not stop for the stop sign and hit a beer delivery truck that was traveling south on Oregon Street. The man then backed up 100 feet and hit another parked car, said Joe Nichols, spokesman for the department.
Cops in western New York arrested four young Amish adults on Sunday and slapped them with underage alcohol possession charges after they allegedly drank booze and crashed their buggy into a deputy's car. Police say the car had arrived on the scene to respond to complaints of people drinking in their buggies, MSNBC reported.This feels too easy, doesn't it? Drunk Amish teens out joyriding in horsedrawn buggies?
The unidentified men were riding down a rural road in Sherman -- about 80 miles southwest of Buffalo -- at about 7:15 p.m. when their buggy hit the Chautauqua County Sheriff's patrol car and flipped on its side, leaving all four with minor injuries, cops said.
