Always Rummy in Philadelphia

From Philadelphia Magazine:

You know that feeling you get after you do something really, really stupid, when you wish that you’d wake up and realize that it was all just a bad dream? Well, we’re pretty sure that’s exactly what PHL 17 on-air talent Colleen Campbell is feeling today.

According to New York City comic Wil Sylvince, who was also at Helium on Sunday, Campbell was asked to leave the club because she was being loud during the show. (Helium wouldn’t comment on what happened.) And it was once she left the club that her problems really began.

As Sylvince’s video shows, an incredibly even-tempered Philadelphia police officer shows up and tries to get her to just go home. Instead, she attempts to spit in someone’s face and then goes off in a big way on the cop.

When viewing this footage on TJ's Facebook page, I had three thoughts:

1. I'm glad I don't date anymore. Because this is exactly the kind of trainwreck I'd tie myself to.
2. Dupa and I were just talking about hanging out in Philly; maybe we should look her up if we do...
2a. No! Stop it! No. NO.
3. White privilege.

Relationship Goals (Part 2)

I really want to like these two. They both seem like amazing people, and look like they're really meant for each other. But I'm seething with jealousy that I didn't get to do this first.

...Actually, I'm really just jealous of Justin. Jill is beautiful, cool as hell, drinks whiskey, and...SHE HAS THE WORD "SIP" RIGHT IN HER LAST NAME! Justin, man, please tell me you took her name!

Relationship Goals (Part 1)

I've got friends who love sex. I've got friends who will tell you how much they love sex, and how desperate they are to have sex. Immediately. In that very moment. Like someone, anyone, please swipe all of the bottles off the top of this bar and have sex with me on it.

...And those friends are women.

The female libido is a dangerous, ravenous wild animal. So I understand Kimberly Jackson, and her struggle. From Playboy:

It was just your average day in a Norfolk, Virginia strip mall parking lot before some woman mounted an unconscious man and began having sex with him in public.

The woman at the center of it all is 36-year-old Kimberly Jackson, who was caught on camera mid-romp with her boyfriend as he lay on the ground passed out. When Jackson spoke to a reporter, she explained that this all happened because she was “drunk and horny.”

Regrets

Go home Lena Dunham, you're drunk.

There's already one drunken, uncoordinated girl in my life. I just don't have room for another.


...She gets credit for not spilling the drink, though.

My Kinda Woman

This ain't a wifey post, though. More like a "Oh hey, good morning...who are you?" post.

Social Drinking Excellence: Johnny Depp

Here's the thing: He's clearly earned a Rummy Award; but I don't have a lot of cute jokes for this one. They just aren't needed. And, really, how many "Captain Jack Sparrow" references can I make here? So Mr. Depp, here's your Rummy. I'll leave the presentation of this esteemed award in your more than capable hands.

From Tastefully Offensive:

The first televised edition of the Hollywood Film Awards got a little cringey last night when a very intoxicated Johnny Depp presented the Hollywood Documentary Award to the legendary talent manager and film agent Shep Gordon.

Social Drinking Excellence: John Boyett

*pulls old cardboard box out from back of a closet*

*blows off thick layer of dust, revealing the word "Rummies"*

It's been a while...

This page has been quiet, as have I for the most part. But the drunken shenanigans, they'll always be out there, being had by someone.

From Shutdown Corner:

John Elway is as popular as ever in Denver, but name dropping Elway did not help Broncos practice squad safety John Boyett when he was arrested on Monday. Elway, the Broncos general manager, didn't seem too impressed either, because he cut Boyett on Thursday.

Boyett allegedly had a heck of a time out, it sounds like from the police report, via the Denver Post. Take a gander at what Boyett was arrested for. It's quite the list:

"In summary, according to the police report, Boyett was highly intoxicated, threatened a bartender at a sports bar where he ate, drank and did shots, was belligerent to his fellow patrons, assaulted a cab driver, stole a shovel from a construction site so he could whack the cab driver, fled the scene and tried to hide from police by trying to bury himself under mulch."

...It's not like that report wasn't enough for the Broncos to consider cutting Boyett, who was cut by the Colts last September after being charged with disorderly public intoxication and resisting arrest (he allegedly played the "I'm a Colts player" card then), but Boyett then decided that his best move was to tell the police to "contact his boss, John Elway." He did this repeatedly, the Post said, after he was arrested and put in the back of a patrol car.

Well now. Start the clock:

• I take no joy from this, as a Raiders fan. None. ...Okay, maybe a little.
• Okay, a lot.
• Really, we shouldn't judge Mr. Boyett. One day of watching Peyton Manning and Papa John pal around and you'd be drinking yourself into a stupor, too.
• If he'd been going after Papa John with the shovel, instead of a cabbie, the cops look the other way, right?
• If this was the '70s, Boyett's night on the town would've been called "Tuesday." And most of the team would have either been right there with him, acting a fool, or at a bar on the other side of town, acting a fool. And bad press about it never would have gotten out. Welcome to the 21st century.
• Being that I know someone who has tried hiding from police in recent years, I'll have to suggest Boyett's mulch idea. Then again, it's not like it worked for Boyett...
  

Mr. Boyett, your Rummy is in the mail—it's even been autographed:

"Dear Johnny B.,

Good luck on all of your future endeavors parole hearings.

Sincerely,
John Elway"

Salud.

Tip Up Your (World) Cup

Getting sloshed during the World Cup is a national duty.

Night Moves

Same.

From fuks.

Driving Angry

Things got a little out of hand last night in Pittsburgh's South Side, an area of the city where many-an-On-The-Rocks-tale has taken place over the years. A gem of a human being, it seems, decided to take out his self-hatred on several cars, street signs, pedestrians, and a night club.

As reported by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

Public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler said around 2:30 a.m., Maceo Fulmore, 23, crashed into the front of Diesel Club Lounge on East Carson Street near 17th Street, and proceeded to hit seven vehicles, two parking signs, two trees, a fence, a telephone pole and a fire hydrant. He also ran over a white male in his 20s, who was taken to UPMC Mercy for related injuries. Authorities are not releasing the injured man's name.

There were no other reported injuries, Ms. Toler said.

A nearby patrolling officer heard the series of collisions and found witnesses dragging Mr. Fulmore from his car and punching him. The arresting officer broke up the fray, and reported Mr. Fulmore was visibly drunk.

Thankfully the young field reporter in-the-making below was on hand to record "about 90% of it" (and to repeatedly tell people he got about 90% of it).



Not only have a good deal of On The Rocks' stories taken place in the South Side, but a few have even featured Diesel—the club that Fulmore rammed with his Jeep. Here's to being mature enough to keep my old ass from around there last night.

It's Always in the Last Place You Look

This could easily have been me about 20 different times in the past month. I'm not going to bother throwing stones.

Social Drinking Excellence: Michelle Rodriguez

This being a Rummy post is purely due to TJ's laziness.

He found this first. He could write, if he bothered to try anymore (#shotsfired). And he absolutely loves M-Rod, meaning this was meant to be a "Wifey Material" post if ever he was to post one.

But instead he's left it to me. I don't really care one way or the other about Rodriguez (she seems cool, but never wowed me physically). Which means she's getting straight clowned in this post. (Just remember it's your own fault, TJ.)

From Deadspin:

The Knicks' 89-85 victory over the Pistons last night was less a basketball game than a war of attrition waged by two armies that can't shoot straight. So what's a celebrity like Michelle Rodriguez supposed to do while sitting courtside at such a miserable sporting event? Get shitfaced, obviously.

The New York Post, which has its own gallery of photos of Rodriguez, reports that the actress spent most of the night boozing and vapin' on an e-cig, which is never a bad way to spend an evening.

Start the clock...

1. Even though I may not be as big a fan of M-Rod as TJ, I obviously still consider her an attractive woman. But her drunk...is an ugly drunk. Madonne. She looks like a homeless man. A homeless man taking a shit. A homeless man taking a shit on all you love and cherish.
2. I've been badly drunk when in the presence of a ladyfriend before, but those ladyfriends were never Victoria's Secret models. All I'm saying is, if Michelle still holds any traction with Cara, her tongue game must be exquisite.
3. ...Respect.
4. If you're a cop giving her a breathalyzer test, does the device read "point-ohhh yeahhhhh"...

5. There may not be a celeb who's built up more of a "Fuck you, I do what I want" persona on a smaller resume. Rodriguez has had some good roles, but anymore she's really just another Fast & the Furious cartoon character. The whole "rebel without a cause" shtick works better when the person invoking it has the star power for it all not to matter. To put it in perspective, Rodriguez's I'm-drunk-and-fuck-you behavior is like Geno Smith smacking Giselle Bundchen's ass in front of Tom Brady at a Pro Bowl presser.
6. Not that I'm a fan of Brady. Or Giselle. Or the Pro Bowl.
7. The e-cigs kind of undercut that whole gangsta demeanor, don't they? You're basically saying you're as tough as Stephen Dorff.
8. You know, looking back, I'm really off base here. Obviously Michelle uses a strap-on, not her tongue.
9. ...Respect.
10. Based on the fact that she seems so nonplussed throughout all of the photos from this night, can we assume that Cara Delevingne might be the more likely sexual deviant here? It's easy to picture Michelle as a "top," but given her state and Cara seemingly being okay with it, is it possible that Rodriguez awoke in the middle of the night with her, uh...ahem...face being used as a hippity-hop?
    

M-Rod, here's your Rummy. There's a recent picture of TJ included, so your personal security and the local police can be properly prepared.

Creatures of Habit

My cousin gets all the credit for finding this list: "23 Weird Things That Everyone Does While Drunk". We've all seen lists like this before, but I'll give Chelsea Fagan credit for being incredibly accurate with hers.

I mean, you know, accurate for other people. I don't do any of this stu—

10. Getting on Gchat and striking up an incredibly emotional conversation with whoever happens to be online at that time.

*screams*

*deletes Gchat*

Toddy'd Hotty

The brunette that dominates this video is the sound my heart makes. She's going to make some poor guy completely miserable one of these days. It would probably be me if I wasn't deeply averse to being lynched, and therefore unwilling to travel into Mississippi.

Forget Me Not

All I'm going to say is...I recognize these women. I see them every time at the bar. Sometimes they're in my own crew.

That's all I'm saying.

Social Drinking Excellence: Wild Pig

Go home, Pig, you're drunk.

From The Guardian:

The animal was seen stealing three six-packs of beer from campers before ransacking rubbish bags for food.

One camper reported seeing the pig guzzling the beer before getting involved in an altercation with a cow.

"In the middle of the night these people camping opposite us heard a noise, so they got their torch out and shone it on the pig and there he was, scrunching away at their cans," said the visitor, who estimated that the pig had consumed 18 beers.

"Then he went and raided all the rubbish bags. There were some other people camped right on the river and they saw him being chased around their vehicle by a cow."

The pig was reportedly last seen resting under a tree, possibly nursing a hangover.

TJ first sent me this story at about 9 a.m. today; 15+ hours later, I'm still searching for something witty to add to all of this. So far all I've got is, "Go home, Pig, you're drunk."

This might just be the most perfect news blurb to ever be blurb'd. But, for the sake of a challenge, let's see what I can do:

• Boy, Babe has really fallen on hard times since Pig in the City.
  
• Turn-back-the-clock-to-my-college-days-slam: A drunk pig on the rampage, rummaging through the trash for food? Weird. Kappas usually just hit up the soft-serve machine.
• The fact that no one has come forward with video footage of a drunk pig getting chased around a car by a cow is a travesty, and has left my life feeling incomplete.
• Does this make this pig the Australian version of Spuds MacKenzie?
  

Pig, I'll be hand-delivering your Rummy Award. I'm coming to Australia to drink with you.

"You ol' motorboatin' son-of-a-bitch!"

If you've gotta go out, go out in style.

French Connection

"We are not gay. We are French!"

Well I guess that clears that up.

Social Drinking Excellence: Luis Briones

Mr. Briones is like the New Mexican version of James Bond—after all those shaken martinis started to kick in.

From the ABQ Journal:

Luis Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night, hiding in a cactus, after he crashed his Ford Explorer in the 2600 block of Pennsylvania NE on Monday night.

Briones’ female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head, but was in stable condition when she was sent to the hospital, police said.

Police said Briones was heading north on Pennsylvania when he ran a red light and struck a car heading westbound on Menaul NE.

“Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger and sped off… at a high rate of speed,” the Albuquerque police officer wrote in a criminal complaint. “Their activities presented a danger to others in the roadway as exhibited by the accident.”

Witnesses told police Briones was clearly drunk when he got out of his car, and officers found a partially full bottle of vodka in the vehicle.

When Briones tried to drive away from the scene, leaving his passenger behind, a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition.

That’s when Briones tried to take cover in a cactus, where he later refused police demands and became hostile with paramedics and others, police said.

Well hello there, Luis.

1. ...What's she look like?
2. No, seriously...what does she look like? I feel like this is pertinent information. I mean, sure—on the surface—having road sex while hammered sounds stupid; but what if she was like really, really, good looking and stuff?
3. How many angry emails am I going to get because someone doesn't understand sarcasm? But I digress...
4. It must not've been that good, if he was willing to leave her behind.
5. Of course, the fact that she had just flown through a windshield probably tells us all we need to know about the compassion of one Mr. Luis Briones.
6. Luis Briones don't give a fuck!
7. ...except for when he's, you know, giving a fuck while drunk driving.

8. Does knowing she's not seriously hurt make it okay to laugh at the mental image of a naked person flying through a windshield? I mean, in a cartoon sense. Like, if you saw Elmer Fudd butt-ass naked, come bursting out of a window?
9. We'll really know the strength of Luis' game if this chick pays him a few conjugal visits.
10. Don't worry, I haven't ignored the whole "hiding behind a cactus" part. I just feel like that's not as shocking as it probably seems to people who don't live in New Mexico. I mean, I picture hiding behind cacti to be a New Mexican children's game. "Hide-&-Go-Cactus".

Your Rummy's in the mail, Mr. Briones. It's coming with a breathalyzer for you to attach to your zipper.

TJ with the assist.

Social Drinking Excellence: Aubrey Plaza

I'm conflicted; this is ever-so-obviously deserving of a Rummy Award, but I really want to make this post a "Wifey Material". I've had a crush on Miss Plaza for years, and seeing her get ridiculously drunk and stupid...does things to me.

Don't judge me...

The Rummy-winning performance:

Get More:
2013 MTV Movie Awards, Latest Movie News

From the USA Today:

Parks and Recreation star Aubrey Plaza stepped onstage while Will Ferrell was accepting his MTV Golden Popcorn Comedic Genius trophy.

She had #The To Do List, the name of her new movie, written on her chest. Ferrell, who was dressed in a suit made of dollar-bill fabric, had just been speaking of his dreams to make people laugh and "dress like Dennis Rodman," in his acceptance speech.

A barefoot Plaza, carrying a drink, walked up on stage and tried to take the trophy. But Ferrell wouldn't let it go, so the actress, who said nothing, put her head down and scurried back to her seat in the front row, where she spilled her drink and then sat there.

Oh, Aubrey. Let me count the ways I love thee.

1. The look on her face when the camera comes in for a close-up at the end...oh, we all know that one, don't we? That's the look of "I'm the asshole? ...I'm the asshole."
2. Follow Peter Dinklage's eyes from the start of the video. Then try to picture what's going on in his mind.
3. A hypothetical scenario: You're dating a beautiful, up-and-coming Hollywood actress. She invites you to escort her to the MTV Movie Awards. The two of you pregame before the show—of course—and then start making use of the open bar once you get there. By halfway through the event, you've been doing backstrokes in Belvedere for a few hours. You're fine, but your lady? Not so much. You're half charmed by her ultra-goofy drunken alter-ego, and half shocked that you're not the one asking Kim Kardashian if her fetus has had to refute claims of getting ass implants yet. But through all of it you just laugh. Who cares if insecure celebs can't take a joke? Besides, you've got front row seats, and your woman is looking sexy in her dress. And you know she's going to jump you in the limo (hopefully before she throws up and passes out, which are also definitely going to happen). Then, halfway through Will Ferrell's acceptance speech, she pops up out of her chair and heads for the stage. By the time she gets back to her seat, you see security guards headed your way.
   
   
   In that moment when the ushers direct her to the exit, do you (a.) grab her purse, trot out of the theater behind her, and wonder if the limo sex will be even hotter now; or (b.) lean back in your chair, look over to the person sitting next to you and say loudly, "Thank god she's gone. Some people just don't know how to handle themselves..."?
4. ...asking for a friend.



These two feel me.

5. There's the off chance, scripted as this looks in the beginning, that this was supposed to be a bit. But even if that was the case, it still just means that the whole thing got derailed by her being absolutely shlammered.
   
6. Bonus points for being barefoot. No truly epic drunken deeds happen while fully-shoe'd.
7. Was anyone else expecting Leslie Knope to come running up behind her and pull her off the stage?
8. Give her credit for joking about it not too long after on Twitter, although...
9. How did she sober up that quickly?
10. ...Oh yeah—she got kicked out of the awards show. That tends to accelerate your road to recovery.

If I know my girl, she'll shrug it off and keep it moving. In reality, this is all just a bump in the road. What I've read of The To Do List sounds promising, and Parks and Rec just keeps growing in popularity.

Your Rummy's in the mail, Aubrey, along with half of a gold heart pendant—the other half is hanging from a chain around my neck.