Thursday, October 21, 2010

Social Drinking Excellence: Pat McAfee

[Note: I've changed the name and timing of the Rummy Award for a few reasons.

(1.) I was never completely comfortable with the previous title format, "Social Drinker of the Week". It just lacked a little something in my opinion (likely in yours, too).
(2.) This title formatting is more consistent with what we use for regular features on other CS pages.
(3.) Doing one of these per week just wasn't working out well for me. Between my ongoing battle with lethargy
(how's that for an ironic phrasing?) and the increasingly busy schedule at work, I just wasn't getting these posted with the needed regularity for the Rummies to be a weekly feature.
(4.) 'Cause I wanna. Don't judge me...

Surely by now (if you're a sports fan) you've heard about Mr. McAfee's little swim earlier this week.

This story is a point of added amusement for me for a couple of reasons. First, he graduated from West Virginia University; as a loyal Pitt fan, I'm filled with childlike glee when news breaks about a WVU alum being a complete moron. It's immature, petty, and spiteful of me... And I don't care. Second, he graduated from the same high school as Esq, Chief, Butters, and Baby Joey. This is just more ammunition against their alma mater that I didn't even need.

So Pat, here's your new and improved Rummy Award. It can be used as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Running on Empty

I commented on Twitter several weeks ago that I may be America’s laziest writer. But that’s not entirely accurate. Fairly accurate? Sure. Mostly accurate? Perhaps. About two Nicole Ritchie-sized snacks from being nail-on-the-head, spot-on accurate? Check ya tone, boy…

No matter how reclusive a maestro is, though, he still needs inspiration to guide the pen that writes his masterpieces. And for me, that means bottles pouring adult beverages into glasses almost as quickly as I’m pouring them out of glasses and down my throat. To make this booze distribution system—or, as I like to call it, “fluid sociological dynamics”—sustainable, a steady supply of fuel must be available to trigger the process. The most commonly used accelerant is a flimsy green and white (and sometimes purple) form of paper which is most often mined from computer slots in the external walls of banks. And in my case, well…let’s just say I’d be better off if I had to use plutonium to buy out the bar.

The 2008 economic downturn has finally caught up with me, a full two years later. This means that I’ve had to cease all frivolous spending for the foreseeable future—save for a case of Sam Adams’ Harvest Collection a month ago (I mean, if I’m not going to spoil me, then who is?). And so weekend after drunken weekend has passed without participation by moi. I’m not happy about it, but it’s my reality for the time being. Hell, just last week I was in Las Vegas—the Mecca of loose purse strings and alcohol-induced tales of epic proportions—for a business trip, and through the first five nights I consumed a grand total of ten drinks. That, compared to my standard of inebriated debauchery, is basically an Amish tea party.

The last day of the trip was a little different. I finally had time off, and I decided to do a little mild gambling during the day at the Wynn (which, on the whole, was a fail; but, on the bright side, I was able to put some money in the pockets of Steve Wynn, and we all know that poor pauper could use some financial assistance), where I got free Jack & Cokes. Then that night I got to see my boy B Rush for the first time in years, and we did it up with half yards of beer at the Yard House and then cheap draughts at Ellis Island. But even at the end of my booziest day in town (which still saw me back in my hotel room before midnight), I was still only mildly tipsy. Sad stuff, really.

But for a man with a limited budget, it’s my only hope for climbing out of my current hole. Otherwise I’d have to sell most of my possessions and live under the bar at Shady Grove.

*thinking* Hmmmmmm… No, no, nevermind.

Beware Strangers with Candy

Next time you're partying in Russia and a stranger offers you some cognac, do your best to say "nyet".

Three men who allegedly carried out a string of poisonings on commuter trains that left 17 dead are due to face trial in Russia, according to reports.

Investigators suspect the men plied drunk victims with a cocktail of cognac and tranquilizers before robbing them, The Moscow Times reported. In addition to the 17 dead, the attacks sickened an additional 15 victims over a three-year period in the Russian capital.

RT News reported that the trio — two Russians and an Uzbek — picked well-dressed passengers and approached them by saying they wanted to share a drink with them. Investigators told RT the men used neuroplectics, strong tranquilizers used to treat psychosis, to subdue the passengers.
I hope they give these guys capital punishment. Anyone who uses alcohol for evil purposes is an enemy of all that's good and decent in this world.

[What's that? Getting susceptible women drunk enough to do morally-questionable sexual acts could be construed as an "evil purpose"? Really? Uhh...hmmm...]

You know, upon further review, I think these guys are just misunderstood. Sure their crimes were wrong, but I think leniency is really the way to go here...