Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Social Drinking Excellence: London Gentleman

Ever had one of those nights where no matter what you drank, you felt like you just weren't getting anywhere?

...Okay, so that's not quite what happened to this guy. His drinking definitely got him to where he wanted to go mentally, even if it didn't exactly work out that way physically. Bravo, nameless sir...
  1. This scene took place this past Friday at the Tottenham Court Road subway station in London. And it just serves as yet another reminder: I have got to get to London before I'm too old to fully enjoy it. You don't want to be in your sixties and walking the wrong way on an escalator-turned-treadmill. Then you'd just look silly.
  2. That was incredibly nice of that woman to try so hard to help a stranger. An American gal would probably have posed next to him while her friends snapped pictures. ...And then robbed him.
  3. What do you think hurt more for this guy on Saturday morning: his head or his thighs?
  4. ...Actually, it may have been his pride, shortly after a friend called and said, "So I was surfing YouTube, and..."
  5. It was certainly a valid bit of problem solving by his heroine, when she suggested they stop the escalator. But I would have expected a sudden stop to send him Peter Griffin'ing down the steps.
  6. So he got stuck going the wrong way on an escalator? Big whoop. I almost fell into a river. Top that, Nigel Powers.

Your Rummy is on its way to England, Nigel. It'll be waiting for you at the other end of a moving walkway—if you can find your way across.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Need for Speed

Something quick and fun for your Monday morning:'s "The 8 Weirdest Vehicles People Were Caught Driving Drunk" There are some great entries here (#5 is my personal favorite, if only for the newspaper quote included).

We're not celebrating drunk driving, folks, only laughing at the dumbasses that do it. Especially those who do it on a motorized scooter.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Scary Hot

If you're under 30, allow me to introduce you to the frightening banshee above: Her name is Claire Forlani. And she's not Scottish.

She was born in England, though she's lived in America for much of her life, and has rarely shown any effects of an accent on or off the stage. Her husband, however, is a Scot (no, his name's not Angus), so she does have some Scottish in her, occasionally. *rimshot* He's also an actor, so I can only imagine Dewars chose her over him because he doesn't look quite as good sitting on a table in a miniskirt.

Coincidentally, if you ARE under 30 and are wondering why you've never heard of Forlani—or if she seems vaguely familiar—then let me share the "Career" section of her Wikipedia page for reference (this is the entire section, which will only further illustrate my point):
Forlani's parents moved to San Francisco in 1993, in order to allow for wider casting opportunities in Hollywood films. Subsequently, Forlani was cast in the television mini-series J.F.K.: Reckless Youth and the film Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. In 1995, she played the supporting role of Brandi Svenning in Mallrats. In 1996, Forlani appeared in a supporting role as Sean Connery's daughter in the film The Rock. She continued to appear in both widely released and smaller-budget films. In 1998, she starred with Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black. She then appeared in Antitrust, a thriller released in January 2001. Forlani was the new face of L'Oréal in 2001. She has been ranked No.51 (2000) and No.89 (2001) in Stuff magazine's 100 Sexiest Women, No.85 (2001) in FHM magazine's 100 Sexiest Women and was slotted in Loaded's Hot 100 Babes. In 2003, she co-starred with Jackie Chan in The Medallion.

In autumn 2006, Forlani joined the cast of CSI: NY in a recurring role as a medical examiner, Dr. Peyton Driscoll.[4] In February 2007, Forlani portrayed Tori Bodeen in the film version of Nora Roberts's best-selling book Carolina Moon. In 2008, she starred opposite Daniel Craig in Flashbacks of a Fool. In 2011, Forlani played Queen Igraine in Camelot and Kate Templeton in Love's Kitchen alongside her husband Dougray Scott.[5]

In 2011, she also made an appearance in NCIS: Los Angeles as Agent Lauren Hunter replacing Henreitta Lange (Linda Hunt) temporarily as the operations director at NCIS for the end of season 2. She also appeared in season 3's finale, where she is killed in a car blast.
You'll note the steep and sudden drop off in high-profile acting gigs. For a small period of time she was every Mallrats-loving stoner's dream girl; now she's inciting fear boners on the behalf of a blended scotch people drink when they don't have an extra few dollars to buy entry-level bottles of Johnnie Walker Red Label.

Every company starting a new marketing campaign does an "extended cut" ad exclusively for the internet these days, and Dewars is no different. It appears below, but if you've got a weak bladder, beware: this shit's like a trailer for a Scottish version of American Horror Story.

Change Up the Game

Sometimes, to turn the ordinary into the hilarious, all that's needed is one little change.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Social Drinking Excellence: Niles Gammons

There are those among us who say that time travel is impossible, and that pursuing it is nothing but a fool's errand. Well, my dear readers, I propose that it's not only possible, but that it has already been achieved by Mr. Gammons!

The report from The Smoking Gun reads like a piece of perfectly-choreographed art:
Niles Gammons, 22, was first pulled over by an Urbana cop when he was spotted driving an Oldsmobile the wrong way in an alley. Pictured at right, Gammons was pulled over at 1:08 AM by an officer who reported that he reeked of booze and had glassy eyes.

Sergeant Dave Reese noted that when he sought to have Gammons perform a Breathalyzer test, “I could hear that he had something in his mouth.” As it turned out, Gammons’s mouth was filled with pennies.

“I then advised Niles that pennies in the mouth were a myth and that it did not help in taking a breath test,” Reese noted.

After Gammons’s blood alcohol content was measured at .116, he was arrested for drunk driving. After being transported to the Urbana police headquarters, Gammons was issued citations and “released to an adult.”

Following Gammons’s departure, Reese wrote, “At 2:00 AM, the time changed from daylight savings time to standard time and 2:00 AM became 1:00 AM.”

At 1:08 AM--“exactly one hour after the first stop”--Reese was driving his patrol car in Urbana’s municipal parking lot when a vehicle “backed out of a spot rapidly and nearly collided with my cruiser.”

Reese quickly determined that Gammons was behind the wheel. “I asked Niles why he was driving, because he was under suspension and still intoxicated.” Gammons replied that “his friend that picked him up dropped him off and refused to take him home.”

Then, in a sterling example of intoxicated logic, Gammons explained that he “was afraid of getting arrested for public intoxication so he decided to drive,” according to the police report.

Gammons was again arrested for drunk driving and transported to the Urbana Police Division, where his blood alcohol content registered .109.

The separate tickets issued to Gammons both carry the same date and time--November 4 at 1:08 AM.
Bravo, Mr. Gammons. Who needs a DeLorean and a white-haired meth addict, when you have daylight savings time and a penchant for making poor decisions?

*cracks knuckles*
  1. "Gonna go back in tiiiimmme..." (I couldn't resist.)
  2. This guy just one up'd Groundhog Day like a boss. "Oh, you relive the same day? That's interesting. Me? Oh, I just relive the same HOUR. Your move, Murray."
  3. Not only did Gammons get arrested at the same time twice in one night, it was by the same officer each time. This guy should play the lottery.
  4. ...Or, you know, just stop driving drunk. Whatevs. Though you could argue that he did save money by only incurring one court date.
  5. I wonder if the police bothered with a second mugshot, or if they just did a quick "right click" => "copy" => "paste".
  6. The report doesn't mention it, but the officer had to be looking around for a Candid Camera crew when he walked up to Gammons' window the second time.
Mr. Gammons, your Rummy Award is in the mail. It comes with a Polaroid of your drivers license—and it's slowly fading out.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Trailer: 21 & Over

This flick looks like it could be a good one. This comes from the makers of The Hangover, which is one hell of a pedigree for a movie about heavy drinking.

TJ with the assist.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

True Romance

No, Kiss Cam Guy, I love YOU. It's nice to see that the high beer prices in our nation's sports arenas aren't driving happy couples apart.