Social Drinking Excellence: Niles Gammons

There are those among us who say that time travel is impossible, and that pursuing it is nothing but a fool's errand. Well, my dear readers, I propose that it's not only possible, but that it has already been achieved by Mr. Gammons!

The report from The Smoking Gun reads like a piece of perfectly-choreographed art:

Niles Gammons, 22, was first pulled over by an Urbana cop when he was spotted driving an Oldsmobile the wrong way in an alley. Pictured at right, Gammons was pulled over at 1:08 AM by an officer who reported that he reeked of booze and had glassy eyes.

Sergeant Dave Reese noted that when he sought to have Gammons perform a Breathalyzer test, “I could hear that he had something in his mouth.” As it turned out, Gammons’s mouth was filled with pennies.

“I then advised Niles that pennies in the mouth were a myth and that it did not help in taking a breath test,” Reese noted.

After Gammons’s blood alcohol content was measured at .116, he was arrested for drunk driving. After being transported to the Urbana police headquarters, Gammons was issued citations and “released to an adult.”

Following Gammons’s departure, Reese wrote, “At 2:00 AM, the time changed from daylight savings time to standard time and 2:00 AM became 1:00 AM.”

At 1:08 AM--“exactly one hour after the first stop”--Reese was driving his patrol car in Urbana’s municipal parking lot when a vehicle “backed out of a spot rapidly and nearly collided with my cruiser.”

Reese quickly determined that Gammons was behind the wheel. “I asked Niles why he was driving, because he was under suspension and still intoxicated.” Gammons replied that “his friend that picked him up dropped him off and refused to take him home.”

Then, in a sterling example of intoxicated logic, Gammons explained that he “was afraid of getting arrested for public intoxication so he decided to drive,” according to the police report.

Gammons was again arrested for drunk driving and transported to the Urbana Police Division, where his blood alcohol content registered .109.

The separate tickets issued to Gammons both carry the same date and time--November 4 at 1:08 AM.

Bravo, Mr. Gammons. Who needs a DeLorean and a white-haired meth addict, when you have daylight savings time and a penchant for making poor decisions?

*cracks knuckles*

1. "Gonna go back in tiiiimmme..." (I couldn't resist.)
2. This guy just one up'd Groundhog Day like a boss. "Oh, you relive the same day? That's interesting. Me? Oh, I just relive the same HOUR. Your move, Murray."
3. Not only did Gammons get arrested at the same time twice in one night, it was by the same officer each time. This guy should play the lottery.
4. ...Or, you know, just stop driving drunk. Whatevs. Though you could argue that he did save money by only incurring one court date.
5. I wonder if the police bothered with a second mugshot, or if they just did a quick "right click" => "copy" => "paste".
6. The report doesn't mention it, but the officer had to be looking around for a Candid Camera crew when he walked up to Gammons' window the second time.

Mr. Gammons, your Rummy Award is in the mail. It comes with a Polaroid of your drivers license—and it's slowly fading out.