Driving Angry

Things got a little out of hand last night in Pittsburgh's South Side, an area of the city where many-an-On-The-Rocks-tale has taken place over the years. A gem of a human being, it seems, decided to take out his self-hatred on several cars, street signs, pedestrians, and a night club.

As reported by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

Public safety spokeswoman Sonya Toler said around 2:30 a.m., Maceo Fulmore, 23, crashed into the front of Diesel Club Lounge on East Carson Street near 17th Street, and proceeded to hit seven vehicles, two parking signs, two trees, a fence, a telephone pole and a fire hydrant. He also ran over a white male in his 20s, who was taken to UPMC Mercy for related injuries. Authorities are not releasing the injured man's name.

There were no other reported injuries, Ms. Toler said.

A nearby patrolling officer heard the series of collisions and found witnesses dragging Mr. Fulmore from his car and punching him. The arresting officer broke up the fray, and reported Mr. Fulmore was visibly drunk.

Thankfully the young field reporter in-the-making below was on hand to record "about 90% of it" (and to repeatedly tell people he got about 90% of it).



Not only have a good deal of On The Rocks' stories taken place in the South Side, but a few have even featured Diesel—the club that Fulmore rammed with his Jeep. Here's to being mature enough to keep my old ass from around there last night.

Social Drinking Excellence: Luis Briones

Mr. Briones is like the New Mexican version of James Bond—after all those shaken martinis started to kick in.

From the ABQ Journal:

Luis Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night, hiding in a cactus, after he crashed his Ford Explorer in the 2600 block of Pennsylvania NE on Monday night.

Briones’ female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head, but was in stable condition when she was sent to the hospital, police said.

Police said Briones was heading north on Pennsylvania when he ran a red light and struck a car heading westbound on Menaul NE.

“Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger and sped off… at a high rate of speed,” the Albuquerque police officer wrote in a criminal complaint. “Their activities presented a danger to others in the roadway as exhibited by the accident.”

Witnesses told police Briones was clearly drunk when he got out of his car, and officers found a partially full bottle of vodka in the vehicle.

When Briones tried to drive away from the scene, leaving his passenger behind, a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition.

That’s when Briones tried to take cover in a cactus, where he later refused police demands and became hostile with paramedics and others, police said.

Well hello there, Luis.

1. ...What's she look like?
2. No, seriously...what does she look like? I feel like this is pertinent information. I mean, sure—on the surface—having road sex while hammered sounds stupid; but what if she was like really, really, good looking and stuff?
3. How many angry emails am I going to get because someone doesn't understand sarcasm? But I digress...
4. It must not've been that good, if he was willing to leave her behind.
5. Of course, the fact that she had just flown through a windshield probably tells us all we need to know about the compassion of one Mr. Luis Briones.
6. Luis Briones don't give a fuck!
7. ...except for when he's, you know, giving a fuck while drunk driving.

8. Does knowing she's not seriously hurt make it okay to laugh at the mental image of a naked person flying through a windshield? I mean, in a cartoon sense. Like, if you saw Elmer Fudd butt-ass naked, come bursting out of a window?
9. We'll really know the strength of Luis' game if this chick pays him a few conjugal visits.
10. Don't worry, I haven't ignored the whole "hiding behind a cactus" part. I just feel like that's not as shocking as it probably seems to people who don't live in New Mexico. I mean, I picture hiding behind cacti to be a New Mexican children's game. "Hide-&-Go-Cactus".

Your Rummy's in the mail, Mr. Briones. It's coming with a breathalyzer for you to attach to your zipper.

TJ with the assist.

Social Drinking Excellence: Matthew Todd

I...I mean...

From The Huffington Post:

Police in Boaz, Ala., say Matthew Todd, 24, was intoxicated during a crash this past Friday and arrested for DUI before being taken to an area hospital.

But while he was waiting for a room, he convinced hospital workers to let him go outside for a quick cigarette and, instead, attempted a quick getaway by jumping into an ambulance, according to WAFF-TV.

His plan didn't go as planned, according to Boaz Police Chief Todd Adams.

"He got the ambulance stuck at the end of Bernard Street and after that, he entered a barn and a connected pasture and tried to saddle two horses," Adams said, according to NBC News.

Anderson then stole another car, which he crashed. Then he stole another one and got away, but returned to the hospital the next day when he started bleeding from his original injuries, according to WHNT-TV. He was recognized and arrested.

...I...I...fuck it, start the clock.

1. Is this story a testament to the willpower of Alabama's drunks, or the utter uselessness of Alabama's emergency workers? This guy was drunk and fresh from a car wreck, and he still manages to steal an ambulance, two horses, and a car...AND THEN ESCAPE! That's like an hour and a half, minimum, that he spent just trying to get more than a half mile away from the hospital, where he was supposed to be under arrest.
2. ...I'd make a note to rob a bank in Alabama if it didn't, you, know, involve going to Alabama.
3. If this ever gets turned into a movie someday, who plays Todd: Jake Gyllenhaal, or DJ Qualls? It's a toss-up, right?

4. If you've made fun of Alabama as often as...well, everyone outside of Alabama, you've probably had that random moment where you think to yourself, "Now that was offsides, wasn't it? I'm not really being fair to the people of that state." Then you read a story about hospital workers letting a guy who's drunk, fresh off an accident, and under arrest go outside by himself to smoke a cigarette. And you think, "Nevermind..."
5. And even if you think, "Okay, one incredibly stupid nurse does not mean the whole state's population are clinically mentally-handicapped," you get to the part where the criminal who got away goes back to the hospital he had escaped from.
6. I honestly don't know whether to laugh at this story, or cry because these people have the same voting rights as me.
7. I feel like Jeff Foxworthy wanted to write a new "You might be a redneck..." joke, and hired Matthew Todd to help him.
8. I truly, sincerely wish he had gotten away on one of the horses. Can't you just see the low-speed, OJ-esque pursuit down the hightway? And the cops getting frustrated and bringing in two Amish guys in a horse and buggy to bring Todd down?
9. "Trot to Justice, featuring DJ Qualls, Lindsay Lohan, Channing Tatum, and Shia Lebouf. Technology is the true outlaw. In theaters March 2014."

Mr. Todd, you had me at "stole an ambulance"...and then lost me at "came back the next day". Your Rummy's in the mail. There's a GED course book included in the package.

Social Drinking Excellence: Oskosh, Bygosh

Sometimes, when you're hammered, the booze just has a way of finding you. TJ chalks an assist on this one.

From The Northwestern:

An 80-year-old Oshkosh man was arrested for his second drunken driving offense Friday afternoon after he failed to stop for a stop sign and struck a beer delivery truck.

The man was traveling west on West 17th Avenue at 1 p.m. Friday when he did not stop for the stop sign and hit a beer delivery truck that was traveling south on Oregon Street. The man then backed up 100 feet and hit another parked car, said Joe Nichols, spokesman for the department.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Drinking is poetry.

• Was this a failed "smash-and-grab" job?
• ...Was this Saul? Retirement has not been good to him.
• Do you think he panicked as he realized the car was racing towards a huge truck, or do you think he saw what kind of truck it was and pressed harder on the accelerator?
• How tempted do you think Budweiser's PR people are to turn this into an ad? [SCENE: An elderly man approaches a dark intersection, and sees a Bud Light truck approaching from the right. The old man smiles and says, "Here we go!", presses the gas, and crashes into the truck in a terrifying explosion of smoke, metal, and beer. When the dust settles, the old man is doing the Dougie in the middle of the street between two girls in Bud Light bikinis, as a party breaks out all around him...]
• I'm fairly certain one or more of my friends has said at some time that crashing into a beer truck would be their chosen way to go. I can't hate on it, though I'd add, "...while getting head from Sarah Palin." Just to sweeten the deal for yourself—and for the world you'd leave behind.
  

Sir, your Rummy Award is in the mail. It has a beer-seeking radar built in for your next kamikaze mission.

Social Drinking Excellence: Rum(my)springa!

What's the one way you can make a drunken traffic accident funny? Well...

[From The Huffington Post]:

Cops in western New York arrested four young Amish adults on Sunday and slapped them with underage alcohol possession charges after they allegedly drank booze and crashed their buggy into a deputy's car. Police say the car had arrived on the scene to respond to complaints of people drinking in their buggies, MSNBC reported.

The unidentified men were riding down a rural road in Sherman -- about 80 miles southwest of Buffalo -- at about 7:15 p.m. when their buggy hit the Chautauqua County Sheriff's patrol car and flipped on its side, leaving all four with minor injuries, cops said.

This feels too easy, doesn't it? Drunk Amish teens out joyriding in horsedrawn buggies?

1. Is there any chance this was just a mixup? I mean, doesn't it sound like they were filming a scene from a sequel to "Sex Drive"?
2. Then again, the freaky little Amish chick in "Sex Drive" put in some work on old boy...which suddenly makes this party sound a lot more interesting.
3. You may have noticed that the teens didn't get charged with DUIs. Does this mean that the horses would have had to have been drinking, too, for it to be a case of drunk driving?

4. This line: "Several other buggies reportedly fled the scene." That line's just, like, the best line ever.
5. Is anyone else picturing an Amish version of Boyz 'N The Hood? Or maybe "Dazed and Confused"? It's not just me, right?

Being that these kids were all underage, their names weren't released. Which means I don't know where to send the Rummy Award. How about Alice Greczyn just swings by my apartment and accepts it on their behalf?