Thursday, January 31, 2013

Social Drinking Excellence: Matthew Todd

I...I mean...

From The Huffington Post:
Police in Boaz, Ala., say Matthew Todd, 24, was intoxicated during a crash this past Friday and arrested for DUI before being taken to an area hospital.

But while he was waiting for a room, he convinced hospital workers to let him go outside for a quick cigarette and, instead, attempted a quick getaway by jumping into an ambulance, according to WAFF-TV.

His plan didn't go as planned, according to Boaz Police Chief Todd Adams.

"He got the ambulance stuck at the end of Bernard Street and after that, he entered a barn and a connected pasture and tried to saddle two horses," Adams said, according to NBC News.

Anderson then stole another car, which he crashed. Then he stole another one and got away, but returned to the hospital the next day when he started bleeding from his original injuries, according to WHNT-TV. He was recognized and arrested.
...I...I...fuck it, start the clock.
  1. Is this story a testament to the willpower of Alabama's drunks, or the utter uselessness of Alabama's emergency workers? This guy was drunk and fresh from a car wreck, and he still manages to steal an ambulance, two horses, and a car...AND THEN ESCAPE! That's like an hour and a half, minimum, that he spent just trying to get more than a half mile away from the hospital, where he was supposed to be under arrest.
  2. ...I'd make a note to rob a bank in Alabama if it didn't, you, know, involve going to Alabama.
  3. If this ever gets turned into a movie someday, who plays Todd: Jake Gyllenhaal, or DJ Qualls? It's a toss-up, right?
  4. If you've made fun of Alabama as often as...well, everyone outside of Alabama, you've probably had that random moment where you think to yourself, "Now that was offsides, wasn't it? I'm not really being fair to the people of that state." Then you read a story about hospital workers letting a guy who's drunk, fresh off an accident, and under arrest go outside by himself to smoke a cigarette. And you think, "Nevermind..."
  5. And even if you think, "Okay, one incredibly stupid nurse does not mean the whole state's population are clinically mentally-handicapped," you get to the part where the criminal who got away goes back to the hospital he had escaped from.
  6. I honestly don't know whether to laugh at this story, or cry because these people have the same voting rights as me.
  7. I feel like Jeff Foxworthy wanted to write a new "You might be a redneck..." joke, and hired Matthew Todd to help him.
  8. I truly, sincerely wish he had gotten away on one of the horses. Can't you just see the low-speed, OJ-esque pursuit down the hightway? And the cops getting frustrated and bringing in two Amish guys in a horse and buggy to bring Todd down?
  9. "Trot to Justice, featuring DJ Qualls, Lindsay Lohan, Channing Tatum, and Shia Lebouf. Technology is the true outlaw. In theaters March 2014."
Mr. Todd, you had me at "stole an ambulance"...and then lost me at "came back the next day". Your Rummy's in the mail. There's a GED course book included in the package.

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