Social Drinking Excellence: Andrew Bishop

I suppose it's only right that, as November's presidential election nears, even things at On the Rocks are getting a little political.

From the Wisconsin State Journal:

A Minnesota man was charged Tuesday with felony criminal damage and entry into a locked building for allegedly breaking into the state Capitol through a fifth-floor window early Sunday.

Andrew C. Bishop, 21, of Roseville, Minn., had apparently scaled the outside of the Capitol and smashed a window to get into the building, then grabbed a fire extinguisher and threw it through another window, according to a criminal complaint filed in Dane County Circuit Court.

When police found him, he appeared to be passed out on a dome outside one of the windows, but woke up and began kicking at the glass, the complaint states.

Asked how he got where he was, Bishop replied, "I don't know." He apologized several times and said he felt like an angel and wanted to fly. Officer Justin Wichman said Bishop was very drunk, the complaint states.

I've always been a big supporter of a government by the drunks, for the drunks.

1. Wisconsin may have a very legitimate claim as the nation's drinking capital. Not only is the University of Wisconsin renowned for its partying, but the city of Madison itself is attracting some special drunks from neighboring states.
2. I feel like the fact that he climbed five stories up the side of a building with no equipment—while hammered—isn't getting its fair due in this story. Didn't they gloss over it a little too quickly?
3. How do you feel, as a Wisconsinite, knowing that a drunk guy can scale the side of your state Capitol building undetected? And there's no way that this was a quick ascent, either. It had to have taken him a good deal of time to get up there, and no one that drunk is stealthy. Bishop was probably alternating between loudly singing Neil Diamond songs, laughing, and leaving rambling confessions of love on his ex's voicemail as he climbed.

4. There's a Bishop / on-the-roof joke in this, somewhere...
5. ...And an Ocean's 11 / Seagram's 7 lyric, too.
   
6. Bishop broke in through a window, and then broke back out through a separate window. Does this make him a "flip-flopper"?
7. ...Maybe he's related to Mitt Romney?
8. Doesn't it almost feel strange that he wasn't naked? It seems inexplicable that the phrase "found laying nude" wasn't a part of this article...
9. *thinking*...Maybe I've been doing these Rummy Awards for too long.

Mr. Bishop, your Rummy is in the mail. It comes with a grappling hook, 500 ft of rope, and a small pair of angel wings.

TJ with the assist.

Social Drinking Excellence: Patrick Kane

*sigh*

Kane is no stranger to the hooch, nor to the publicity that comes with being a star player for the Chicago Blackhawks. And yet, he doesn't seem very adept at handling either.

From Deadspin:

On Monday we showed you photos of a soused Patrick Kane in Madison, Wis., and then we asked you if you knew more about what happened while Kane was there. We had heard some bad stories—that Kane supposedly choked a woman, that Kane supposedly said anti-Semitic things—and we wanted to know if other people had, too.

But what, after all, is boozy truth? The chronologies in our Kane tale do not perfectly cohere, nor do the narratives of the events. But you ignore them at your own peril. Did Kane choke a girl? Is he an anti-Semite?

The list of reports from Madison residents is lengthy, and at times funny—though the comedy typically comes from the often wildly naive comments college kids tend to make [For example: "He got the boot from Kappa Sig for choking this girl and then ppl jumped on him and his boys and kicked his ass out. Not that choking is ok, but if i was 23 and had that contract...."], and not for things Kane himself said or did. Let's summarize:

1. The one and only point of credit I'll give Kane: His "Two '5's = a '10'", Cinco de Mayo shirt. The punchline is spelled out a bit clumsily, but the joke is inspired and fearless.
2. In fairness to Kane, he's only 23. That suggests that we pardon him for not exactly knowing how to handle the weight of fame with care and/or grace. But, at 23, if you don't know how to handle yourself better as a drinker, then you're doing something wrong.

3. I mean...does Kane drink at ALL during the season? By all accounts, he seems to black out and pass out at the drop of a hat. If he's so relentless about his fitness that he deprives himself of all alcohol during the NHL season, then I'll let this slide. But, honestly, if you believe he does, then you probably also believe Bristol Palin is a valuable contributor to sociopolitical debate.
4. Speaking of which, is it fair to call Kane "the Bristol Palin of hockey"? Maybe not, since his team has actually won something in recent years. Maybe "the Roger Clinton of hockey"? Actually...
5. ...the most appropriate comparison might be "the Ben Roethlisberger of hockey". From another eyewitness: "He was really enjoying himself there and thought he would get a little friendly with a young lady. Kaner thought it would be a good idea to choke a girl, like both hands around the throat choking. She immediately freaked out and started screaming, which drew a lot of attention." Choking? Really?
6. Is Patrick Kane...gonna have to choke a bitch?
7. Okay, so you're joking homie. I get that. What I don't get is why, even when drunk, you think this is a quality joke. Kane obviously didn't do it lightly or in a manner that made the girl realize he wasn't serious. She knew he was a famous, millionaire athlete; she wasn't exactly eager to run him off.
8. The overwhelming majority of these tales depict douchey behavior on Kane's part, from dissing fans to starting fights. If it walks like a D-bag and talks like a D-bag...
9. You almost want to give Kane leeway for being down-to-Earth enough to hang out on campus all weekend...but he detonates even that goodwill by being a millionaire so buffoonish that college frat boys can't stand him.

Patrick, your Rummy's on the way. We've built a special rubber grip into the neck so you can work out your choking urges.

Social Drinking Excellence: Oskosh, Bygosh

Sometimes, when you're hammered, the booze just has a way of finding you. TJ chalks an assist on this one.

From The Northwestern:

An 80-year-old Oshkosh man was arrested for his second drunken driving offense Friday afternoon after he failed to stop for a stop sign and struck a beer delivery truck.

The man was traveling west on West 17th Avenue at 1 p.m. Friday when he did not stop for the stop sign and hit a beer delivery truck that was traveling south on Oregon Street. The man then backed up 100 feet and hit another parked car, said Joe Nichols, spokesman for the department.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Drinking is poetry.

• Was this a failed "smash-and-grab" job?
• ...Was this Saul? Retirement has not been good to him.
• Do you think he panicked as he realized the car was racing towards a huge truck, or do you think he saw what kind of truck it was and pressed harder on the accelerator?
• How tempted do you think Budweiser's PR people are to turn this into an ad? [SCENE: An elderly man approaches a dark intersection, and sees a Bud Light truck approaching from the right. The old man smiles and says, "Here we go!", presses the gas, and crashes into the truck in a terrifying explosion of smoke, metal, and beer. When the dust settles, the old man is doing the Dougie in the middle of the street between two girls in Bud Light bikinis, as a party breaks out all around him...]
• I'm fairly certain one or more of my friends has said at some time that crashing into a beer truck would be their chosen way to go. I can't hate on it, though I'd add, "...while getting head from Sarah Palin." Just to sweeten the deal for yourself—and for the world you'd leave behind.
  

Sir, your Rummy Award is in the mail. It has a beer-seeking radar built in for your next kamikaze mission.