Social Drinking Excellence: Patrick Kane

*sigh*

Kane is no stranger to the hooch, nor to the publicity that comes with being a star player for the Chicago Blackhawks. And yet, he doesn't seem very adept at handling either.

From Deadspin:

On Monday we showed you photos of a soused Patrick Kane in Madison, Wis., and then we asked you if you knew more about what happened while Kane was there. We had heard some bad stories—that Kane supposedly choked a woman, that Kane supposedly said anti-Semitic things—and we wanted to know if other people had, too.

But what, after all, is boozy truth? The chronologies in our Kane tale do not perfectly cohere, nor do the narratives of the events. But you ignore them at your own peril. Did Kane choke a girl? Is he an anti-Semite?

The list of reports from Madison residents is lengthy, and at times funny—though the comedy typically comes from the often wildly naive comments college kids tend to make [For example: "He got the boot from Kappa Sig for choking this girl and then ppl jumped on him and his boys and kicked his ass out. Not that choking is ok, but if i was 23 and had that contract...."], and not for things Kane himself said or did. Let's summarize:

1. The one and only point of credit I'll give Kane: His "Two '5's = a '10'", Cinco de Mayo shirt. The punchline is spelled out a bit clumsily, but the joke is inspired and fearless.
2. In fairness to Kane, he's only 23. That suggests that we pardon him for not exactly knowing how to handle the weight of fame with care and/or grace. But, at 23, if you don't know how to handle yourself better as a drinker, then you're doing something wrong.

3. I mean...does Kane drink at ALL during the season? By all accounts, he seems to black out and pass out at the drop of a hat. If he's so relentless about his fitness that he deprives himself of all alcohol during the NHL season, then I'll let this slide. But, honestly, if you believe he does, then you probably also believe Bristol Palin is a valuable contributor to sociopolitical debate.
4. Speaking of which, is it fair to call Kane "the Bristol Palin of hockey"? Maybe not, since his team has actually won something in recent years. Maybe "the Roger Clinton of hockey"? Actually...
5. ...the most appropriate comparison might be "the Ben Roethlisberger of hockey". From another eyewitness: "He was really enjoying himself there and thought he would get a little friendly with a young lady. Kaner thought it would be a good idea to choke a girl, like both hands around the throat choking. She immediately freaked out and started screaming, which drew a lot of attention." Choking? Really?
6. Is Patrick Kane...gonna have to choke a bitch?
7. Okay, so you're joking homie. I get that. What I don't get is why, even when drunk, you think this is a quality joke. Kane obviously didn't do it lightly or in a manner that made the girl realize he wasn't serious. She knew he was a famous, millionaire athlete; she wasn't exactly eager to run him off.
8. The overwhelming majority of these tales depict douchey behavior on Kane's part, from dissing fans to starting fights. If it walks like a D-bag and talks like a D-bag...
9. You almost want to give Kane leeway for being down-to-Earth enough to hang out on campus all weekend...but he detonates even that goodwill by being a millionaire so buffoonish that college frat boys can't stand him.

Patrick, your Rummy's on the way. We've built a special rubber grip into the neck so you can work out your choking urges.