Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Social Drinking Excellence: Jerald Reiter

As you read this blurb from KCRG in Cedar Rapids, keep one thing in mind: The GOP considers Iowa an important state in the process of finding a candidate to run for President.
A Cascade man was arrested outside of a Dubuque bar on Sunday night with a pet zebra and a macaw parrot in the front seat of his truck.

Officers charged Jerald Reiter, 55, with OWI. Police reports say officers stopped him in the parking lot of the Dog House Lounge as he drove away in his truck. According to police, field sobriety tests showed Reiter had a blood alcohol level of .14. The legal limit in Iowa is .08.

Reiter tells that he and his girlfriend, Vickey Teters, see the animals like their kids and often take them for rides. On Sunday night, they say they took the zebra and the macaw to the bar because it often lets people bring their animals inside.

Reiter says the owner told him they were serving food that night and he couldn’t bring a zebra inside the bar. Bar owners tell that no animals are ever allowed inside the establishment.
...Seriously. This state has electoral college votes. Seven of them.
  • Iowa being part of the "Bible Belt" and all, is this guy Noah?
  • ...Hard to imagine he'll be able to fit all those animals into a pickup truck, though.
  • How, exactly, does one come to own a zebra? What leads up to the day when you wake up and say to yourself, "You know what? I think I'll get myself a zebra today. Then maybe lunch."
  • ...And how does one come to have a girlfriend when he owns a zebra?
  • In fairness, though, I'm led to believe the zebra and parrot were joint purchases made by Reiter and Teters. But that means that someone crazy enough to buy a zebra, and then ride around with both it and a parrot in a truck, was able to find someone who shared his hopes and dreams of one day buying a zebra and riding around with both it and a parrot in a truck. That's true love, people.
  • Maybe this is all an elaborate drunk driving system he's got going here. The bird's the spotter, and calls out the turns in the road ahead like a GPS; the zebra's for riding away from the ditch that your truck will inevitably be in, because parrots don't understand that trucks can't just fly over ditches and other obstacles.
  • ...Or maybe he's just a drunk hick living in Iowa who decided owning a zebra and a parrot was smarter than procreating. *thinking*
  • ...Maybe I misjudged the IQ levels of Iowans?
  • Then again...maybe not.
Mr. Reiter, your Rummy Award is in the mail. We're also throwing in two small, plush Rummies, for your "kids".

TJ with the assist.

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