Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Social Drinking Excellence: Luis Briones

Mr. Briones is like the New Mexican version of James Bond—after all those shaken martinis started to kick in.

From the ABQ Journal:
Luis Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night, hiding in a cactus, after he crashed his Ford Explorer in the 2600 block of Pennsylvania NE on Monday night.

Briones’ female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head, but was in stable condition when she was sent to the hospital, police said.

Police said Briones was heading north on Pennsylvania when he ran a red light and struck a car heading westbound on Menaul NE.

“Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger and sped off… at a high rate of speed,” the Albuquerque police officer wrote in a criminal complaint. “Their activities presented a danger to others in the roadway as exhibited by the accident.”

Witnesses told police Briones was clearly drunk when he got out of his car, and officers found a partially full bottle of vodka in the vehicle.

When Briones tried to drive away from the scene, leaving his passenger behind, a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition.

That’s when Briones tried to take cover in a cactus, where he later refused police demands and became hostile with paramedics and others, police said.
Well hello there, Luis.
  1. ...What's she look like?
  2. No, seriously...what does she look like? I feel like this is pertinent information. I mean, sure—on the surface—having road sex while hammered sounds stupid; but what if she was like really, really, good looking and stuff?
  3. How many angry emails am I going to get because someone doesn't understand sarcasm? But I digress...
  4. It must not've been that good, if he was willing to leave her behind.
  5. Of course, the fact that she had just flown through a windshield probably tells us all we need to know about the compassion of one Mr. Luis Briones.
  6. Luis Briones don't give a fuck!
  7. ...except for when he's, you know, giving a fuck while drunk driving.
  8. Does knowing she's not seriously hurt make it okay to laugh at the mental image of a naked person flying through a windshield? I mean, in a cartoon sense. Like, if you saw Elmer Fudd butt-ass naked, come bursting out of a window?
  9. We'll really know the strength of Luis' game if this chick pays him a few conjugal visits.
  10. Don't worry, I haven't ignored the whole "hiding behind a cactus" part. I just feel like that's not as shocking as it probably seems to people who don't live in New Mexico. I mean, I picture hiding behind cacti to be a New Mexican children's game. "Hide-&-Go-Cactus".

Your Rummy's in the mail, Mr. Briones. It's coming with a breathalyzer for you to attach to your zipper.

TJ with the assist.

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