Monday, September 24, 2012

Social Drinking Excellence: Robert Hagerman

More and more, Florida is becoming the biggest collection of crazy in this blessed 50-state union. From MSN Now:
Some people have a unique definition of the word "emergency." That’s certainly true of Seminole, Fla., resident Robert Hagerman, 56. He called 911 because his daughter wouldn’t get him a beer, police said. Of course, that’s not what he told authorities when he rang them up. He said his daughter was hitting him, throwing things at him and using drugs. When police arrived at the house they found a very intoxicated and uncooperative Hagerman. His daughter, luckily, had recorded the melee on her phone, and played it for the officers, who arrested Hagerman for making a false report of a crime. So until he pays the $150 bail, he'll be doing the kind of time that has nothing to do with Miller.
My thoughts:
  1. The most shocking part of this story might just be that Hagerman's daughter isn't currently dating TJ, Dupa, or me.
  2. ...Of course, it may also be that neither TJ, Dupa, nor I are Robert Hagerman.
  3. They never explain just why his daughter was being stingy with the beer. Whatever happened to respecting your parents? I mean, he brought you into this world...
  4. ...Then again, if he's crazy enough to call 9-1-1 on her over it, I guess it's safe to assume she was of sound reasoning.
  5. Am I the only one who thought to himself, "He really needs to adopt a rescue dog"? I need to stop watching so much TV.
  6. I said it before, and it bears repeating: "Considering how many crazy news stories come out of Florida these days (naked, face-eating man, anyone?), just how jaded do you think 9-1-1 operators in that state are? ...These folks might be the closest thing America has to the Royal Guards in England."
Mr. Hagerman, your Rummy is in the mail. It can be taken apart, and the pieces can be used to construct a conveyor belt from your fridge to your couch.

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