Social Drinking Excellence: Carolee Bildsten

I have no clue how I missed this story when it first broke. I'm actually a little upset with my crew for not bringing it to my attention sooner (especially TJ, who I know will see this and say "Oh yeah, I read about that a while back"). Not only is Bildsten clearly a Rummy Award winner, I may have to create a lifetime achievement Rummy just for this one tale. This one reads so well, I have to quote nearly the entire article.

From the TribLocal:

A Gurnee woman charged with aggravated assault for threatening a police officer with a sex toy was supposed to be reaching into a drawer for money, but instead pulled out what a department spokesman described as a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device.”

Carolee Bildsten, 56, was with the officer at her apartment on Nov. 9 when she allegedly “approached the officer in a threatening manner,” according to Gurnee Police Cmdr. Jay Patrick.

Police had been called when Bildsten allegedly left a nearby Joe’s Crab Shack without paying her bill for a second time in a few weeks, Patrick said.

The officer saw her lying in the grass along Grand Avenue near the entrance to Six Flags Great America, Patrick said.

When the officer told Bildsten she’d either have to pay her bill or be arrested, she told him she didn’t have any money with her, but she had some cash at her nearby apartment, Patrick said.

The officer escorted her there, where Bildsten went into her bedroom, saying her money was in a dresser drawer, according to Patrick.

But instead of pulling out money, she pulled out the sex toy, and went toward the officer with it held over her head, Patrick said.

The officer was able to knock the device out of the way before being struck with it, and placed Bildsten under arrest. She was transported to the Gurnee Police Department, where she was processed.

She was charged with aggravated assault against an officer, a misdemeanor.

Bildsten was also charged with theft of labor or services for walking out on the Crab Shack bill, Patrick said. She was also charged being under the influence while walking on public roadways.

Yesterday, Ms. Bildsten told the TribLocal that she acted in self-defense. And I'm sure there are many women out there who truly believe that nothing will scare off a man more than a dildo (ladies, if that's the case, all I'll say is this: You ain't fucking with the right one). But let's apply a little logic to this self-defense argument:

1. She says that a recent report of a Gurnee officer being convicted of sexual assault had made her nervous, and led to her fearing the same of the policeman with her in her apartment. But, if this is true, then why did she even invite him into her place at all? Without her permission, he would've needed a warrant to get in there.
   
2. If the man in your bedroom is there to sexually assault you, the last thing you want to do is encourage him. Producing a sex toy from your dresser wouldn't be a deterrent, it would be an announcement that you're ready to "get this party started".
3. Bildsten says that she didn't charge towards the cop, as was originally reported. Instead, she claims, "The officer walked over to her, grabbed her arm, and the toy fell to the ground." So let me see if I've got this straight: Your attacker, standing several feet from you, sees you raise a dildo over your head, and instantly rushes toward you to knock it from your hand? Why, exactly? (In fact, this version of events wouldn't even make sense if Bildsten were to openly admit to being on the offensive. If you're a cop and this drunk woman suddenly raises a rubber dong in the air, your first reaction has got to be laughter, followed by confusion. Panic and fear don't enter the equation until she starts explaining how she intends to pay off the Crab Shack tab.)
4. Your "attacker" has clearly identified himself as a police officer. Police officers carry guns. And you never bring a dildo to a gun fight. That's just "Thugging 101".

Her side to the story, though, does seem plausible, up until the point at which she and the cop get to her apartment. In the end, I think Bildsten would be better off if she were to (a.) admit that his description of events in the second half of the incident are accurate; (b.) confess that she's a crazy drunk who loves a good dildo; and (c.) plead guilty, apologize, and move on with her life. Hell, maybe she could even get an endorsement deal with Adam & Eve. "When I'm playing 'Cops & Robbers', I beat them off with Adam & Eve."

Carolee, your Rummy's in the mail. It may not be very useful in the "feminine pleasure" department, but at least a potential attacker will take you seriously when you brandish it.