Social Drinking Excellence: Chris Heuring

Those pregnancy cravings are no joke. And forget the days of a husband being sent to a store in the middle of the night for pickles and ice cream—that's old school. Nowadays they get sent straight to the Mickey D's drive-thru, even when they're hammered.

From the Southeast Missourian:

Scott County Sheriff Rick Walter said his department received a call at about 11:40 p.m. Saturday regarding a man with a shotgun at the drive-through window of the McDonald's restaurant on Highway 77 at the Interstate 55 interchange at Benton.

"They had told him the store was closed," Walter said. "He demanded one of the employees to open the window."

The employee reportedly responded by advising only the manager could open the window.

"He told the employee he wanted food and pointed the shotgun at that time," Walter said. "He said, 'If I don't bring some food home for my wife, she's going to kill me.'

It almost feels unfair to give this Rummy Award to Mr. Heuring without hearing his wife's side of the story. Did she really send him there for an Extra Value Meal, under the threat of life and limb? And, if so, was the shotgun her idea? Or was it just the extreme to which a desperate and terrified man will go?

Oh sure, you might say, "D.E.F.I., don't be silly. Even if Heuring's wife DID order him to go all 'Fun with Dick and Jane' on the local Mickey D's, she'd never confess to it." Not true, I say. This is the South, remember. She could give an interview on the steps to her trailer, 8 months pregnant and spitting tobacco between mispronounced sentences, shouting, "Yur damn raht ahs tol'em to do it! Dat goodfernuthin summabitch needa post bail ahriddy sos he cin make a Pahpeyz run! What, ahre me & da babay suhposa do, live on just frahd Twinkees?!?"

[Crooked Straight is not responsible for the offensiveness of D.E.F.I.'s terrible and stereotypical print impression of a Southern accent...But you know any woman married to this guy HAS to talk like that.]

Either he's a drunken idiot blaming his pregnant wife for his decision to use the threat of deadly force to score some McNuggets, or he's put his seed in a woman willing to risk his freedom and safety in return for her McRib sandwich [okay, that's just hypocritical of me—who among us hasn't been similarly tempted by a McRib?]. In either case, Chris, you've earned this Rummy. Take a long hard look at it the next time you're in the mood for a late-night snack. ...Or procreation.