Check Yaself Before Your Wreck Yaself

As important as it is, as a bargoing consumer, to take care of the bartenders and servers who are taking care of you, it's equally important not to piss them off. Because, when it comes down to it, they're in the driver's seat. And, most of the time, they're just trying to do their job. And they can make your life very unpleasant if you don't act right.

Thrillist compiled this impressive list of anecdotes offered up anonymously by bartenders from around the US about some of the evilest, craziest things they've seen in their days behind the bar. Here are two of my favorites, but check out "Bartender Horror Stories", because the whole post is one hunnit:

"A club bartender had been stiffed and ordered around by this guy all night. The next drink he ordered, the bartender said he had to go get some limes, but instead he walked to a corner of the bar where nobody could see either side of him, unzipped his pants, and put his [REDACTED] in the guy's vodka tonic. He brought it back to him, and the guy chugged it. He might have chugged a couple of things that night."
-NH

"A guy at the end of the bar was pretty tipsy. He was talking a lot of s**t and threw his glass at the bartender. The bartender turned up the lights and turned off the music. He stood on the bar and said, 'Unless someone kicks this guy's ass, I am not serving a motherf**king drink.' Within a matter of seconds, the ass-whooping of a lifetime started. He was then dragged outside. The lights got lowered, the music came back on, and a round of Jager was ordered for the bar.

God bless Wisconsin."
-AQ

The Buddy System

A long, long, long time ago, a very wise young man gave you a very valuable life lesson: Make friends with your server. What that dashing, slightly tipsy gent didn't do is give you a long list of steps to take to make that happen. Thankfully, the folks at Thrillist are here to pick up where that other guy left off.

How to Become Your Bartender's Favorite Customer

Order simple when things get hectic
Even if the bartender designed the cocktail menu, he’ll be grateful if you ask for a beer or whiskey instead of an 8-ingredient masterpiece.

Handle your people when they get out of hand
If someone you brought in starts instigating fights, grabbing asses, etc, get them to stop, or get them to leave. Don’t wait for the bartender or bouncer to step in. Their first move’s gonna be to ask you to handle it, because you’re in a better position to calm your boy with words instead of judo.

Offer your bartender the right shot, for the right reasons
The right attitude’s “I know you’re working, but it’d be awesome if you joined us”, not “Screw your job, hop on our party train!”. Also, offer them their preferred shot, not yours; and remember that a shot is never a substitute for a tip.

Check out the full list, as it's full of great do's and don'ts, the latter of which I see less-practiced bargoers exhibit time and time again.

Oh, and while we're at it; the fourth tip on the list?

That aforementioned dashing gent invented this back in 2005. Where are my his damn royalties?

Thirst Games

In general, I loathe the whole "how to pick up women at the bar" column-fodder. First of all, I don't go to bars to pick up women. I go to have a drink or ten with my friends. If the other stuff becomes part of the night late afternoon brunch, then cool. [Which, as you'll see shortly, is actually the best way to get results, virtually rendering this whole video pointless.] To me, a tutorial on how to meet girls at the bar is as useful as a manual for how to buy a scratch-off lotto ticket at a gas station while filling your tank. Second, the people who do concern themselves with this topic have something askew in their basic understanding of the world in total, and probably won't do well in the one-on-one conversation required to complete their goal. (If you actually have to be told not to use pick-up lines, then you have no grasp on reality whatsoever.)

All of that being said, I'll give credit to Buzzfeed for a somewhat novel approach to the idea: Interviewing the people who see more sloppy-drunk game than anyone else—the bartenders. This probably should have just been a clip of these barkeeps telling some of their favorite tales about guys hitting on women in the bar. That would have been infinitely more useful, but que sera sera...

Highballin'

The boys of Fog & Smog like to keep it simple, even if the guy behind the bar doesn't.

Shit Bartenders Say

Trust me, this is the only "Shit ____ Say" video I'll be posting. Waaayyyy too many of these going around right now.

Pour-Righteous Teacher

Remember waaayyyy back when I said to make friends with your bartenders? This is just another vivid illustration of the value in that advice. 12 martinis, in different colors, all in one pour. This guy is sickwidit.

On-the-Job Stress

The everyday pressures and annoyances of the workplace can get to the strongest of us, even when your workplace is fully stocked with alcohol.