Poppin' Bottles

Remember being a kid in the summertime, when the best thing ever was your mom pulling a box of popsicles out of the freezer for you and your friends? It's a phenomenon that disappears when you get older, for some reason. Popsicles are still tasty, and still refreshing on a hot summer day. But they have no magic about them anymore.

As with most things in this world, the solution is to add alcohol. Thrillist has compiled a list called, accurately, "Boozy Popsicle Recipes." And it could just be the best way to beat the heat.

Check Yaself Before Your Wreck Yaself

As important as it is, as a bargoing consumer, to take care of the bartenders and servers who are taking care of you, it's equally important not to piss them off. Because, when it comes down to it, they're in the driver's seat. And, most of the time, they're just trying to do their job. And they can make your life very unpleasant if you don't act right.

Thrillist compiled this impressive list of anecdotes offered up anonymously by bartenders from around the US about some of the evilest, craziest things they've seen in their days behind the bar. Here are two of my favorites, but check out "Bartender Horror Stories", because the whole post is one hunnit:

"A club bartender had been stiffed and ordered around by this guy all night. The next drink he ordered, the bartender said he had to go get some limes, but instead he walked to a corner of the bar where nobody could see either side of him, unzipped his pants, and put his [REDACTED] in the guy's vodka tonic. He brought it back to him, and the guy chugged it. He might have chugged a couple of things that night."
-NH

"A guy at the end of the bar was pretty tipsy. He was talking a lot of s**t and threw his glass at the bartender. The bartender turned up the lights and turned off the music. He stood on the bar and said, 'Unless someone kicks this guy's ass, I am not serving a motherf**king drink.' Within a matter of seconds, the ass-whooping of a lifetime started. He was then dragged outside. The lights got lowered, the music came back on, and a round of Jager was ordered for the bar.

God bless Wisconsin."
-AQ

The Buddy System

A long, long, long time ago, a very wise young man gave you a very valuable life lesson: Make friends with your server. What that dashing, slightly tipsy gent didn't do is give you a long list of steps to take to make that happen. Thankfully, the folks at Thrillist are here to pick up where that other guy left off.

How to Become Your Bartender's Favorite Customer

Order simple when things get hectic
Even if the bartender designed the cocktail menu, he’ll be grateful if you ask for a beer or whiskey instead of an 8-ingredient masterpiece.

Handle your people when they get out of hand
If someone you brought in starts instigating fights, grabbing asses, etc, get them to stop, or get them to leave. Don’t wait for the bartender or bouncer to step in. Their first move’s gonna be to ask you to handle it, because you’re in a better position to calm your boy with words instead of judo.

Offer your bartender the right shot, for the right reasons
The right attitude’s “I know you’re working, but it’d be awesome if you joined us”, not “Screw your job, hop on our party train!”. Also, offer them their preferred shot, not yours; and remember that a shot is never a substitute for a tip.

Check out the full list, as it's full of great do's and don'ts, the latter of which I see less-practiced bargoers exhibit time and time again.

Oh, and while we're at it; the fourth tip on the list?

That aforementioned dashing gent invented this back in 2005. Where are my his damn royalties?

Scotchy Scotch Scotch Scotch

Yes, it's real. From Thrillist:

Weekend Bulletin: The Anchorman's favorite booze — and his own brand at that — is coming to market and a liquor store near you. In some of the best news since Ben & Jerry's made primetime and LEGO got that signature coif, Great Odin's Raven, a Scotch (of course), is hitting shelves sometime this December. While exact pricing and availability are still unknown, there has been breaking updates that it is indeed a 40% ABV blend of whiskies from Speyside, Highlands, and Islay, featuring a healthy amount of jazz flute fruit flavor.

*practices* "The human torch...was denied a bank loan..."

The Art of War

Actually, step #1 in this list should be "Graduate from Washington & Jefferson College." But the rest of these tips are cool, too. I mean, they only come from a $50,000 World Series of Beer Pong champion, and not from someone who won the rights to the nickname "The King Kong of Beer Pong." But, you know, whatevs...

The 7 secrets to dominating beer pong