Friday, August 26, 2011

Social Drinking Excellence: Rev. Julian Medina

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so I'm going big.

After allegedly showing up drunk to a baptism on Saturday at All Hallows Catholic Church in Sacramento, Calif., Rev. Julian Medina was been suspended by the Catholic Diocese of Sacramento, according to a report by Fox 40 News.

The 64-year-old was scheduled to baptize 15 children in front of about 150 people, but instead showed up one hour late, slurred his words and had to be carried out of the church after falling over, CBS 17 Sacramento reports. A worker had to call in a deacon to perform the sacrament.

*cracks knuckles*

Okay, here we go:
  • How did Medina get so wasted by 11 a.m.? I've done it a few times, but there was always a beach, green beer, or tailgating involved. Unless...
  • Can you tailgate a baptism? I mean, I wouldn't think you could. But then again, my crew and I just tailgated at an airport last month, so who's to say a baptism is off limits?
  • A baptism is off limits. I agree it's a boring, trite, outdated and antiquated ceremony, which is just the sort of thing alcohol was put on the Earth to help us endure. But kids are involved, and nothing is a bigger drunkblock than rugrats—ask anyone who used to have a life but now has kids instead. Even TJ, who was once one of the top two boozehounds in the world (I'll let you guess who the other one is), and who typically only gets custody of his tyke on weekends, has placed a ban on bottles of anything stronger than Ocean Spray entering his home. And Medina is 64, so it's not like this is his first rodeo. He has to know when parishioners are going to raise issue with him bonging the communal wine and when they might let it slide. (Say, like, during one of those marathon wedding ceremonies that you Catholics are so fond of... Seriously what's that all about? Don't you know there are shots to woo and bridesmaids to take? *thinking...*)
  • Okay, obvious comment coming in 3... 2... 1...
    A catholic priest, scheduled for an appointment with 15 kids and a tub of water, shows up drunk. *pause* He knew the parents were going to be there, right? He didn't just think his assistant had booked him a Saturday morning key party, did he?
Funky Cold Medina, your Rummy Award is in the mail. Toast a glass to it and say 50 hail marys to absolve all day drinking sins.

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