Social Drinking Excellence: Lindsay Lohan

This was destined to happen the second this regular "On the Rocks" feature was started. Lindsay and alcohol are almost as synonymous as...well, as me and alcohol. Ironically, if she didn't have the checkered past that she does [Am I the only person who is shocked to read that she's only 24? I feel like we've endured 20 years of Lindsay/alcohol/drugs/general buffoonery news clips.], this story likely would have ended up as a different kind of "On the Rocks" feature: "Wifey Material". But, alas...

Lindsay seems to have broken probation with a spectacular night of drunkeness in Gotham. From The Daily Mail:

Sitting in a grimy street, head almost on the pavement, troubled star Lindsay Lohan appears to be down and out as she leaves a New York bar.

Looking decidedly the worse for wear, Lohan - who as part of her probation is not allowed to drink alcohol - appeared to have spent the best part of the evening hanging out with friends in bar The Cabin Down Below soon after arriving in New York by private jet.

After emerging, she is seen stooping on the floor, groping for support, and struggling to stay atop her high platform heels.

Dressed in a very short black dress, leopard print coat, the Machete star knelt on the floor, cigarette in hand, laughing uncontrollably and inadvertently exposed her underwear.

The 24-year-old stumbles to her feet while her laughing friends - which includes Samantha Swetra who was recently involved in a fight with Boardwalk Empire actress Paz de la Huerta - show little concern.

I hesitated to post this at first, because no one has confirmed that Lohan was, in fact, drunk. But, Lindsay being Lindsay, I feel pretty safe standing on the assumption that she was twisted like a wet rag. My thoughts:

1. The Paz connection is ironic, given that she was the last Hollywood actress to earn a Rummy. Though her performance was a tad more grandiose, as she managed to expose a titty AND have it all recorded on video. Lindsay, it seems, has some work to do on her game—she's getting outperformed by newcomers.
2. Which is more surprising: That Lindsay flashed her panties, or that she was actually wearing panties? Yeah, that's what I thought.

3. There is a part of me (likely located in my southern hemisphere) that wants to believe this is all a misconstrued moment of innocent fun with friends. I mean, she is wearing huge platform shoes—the odds of falling in those are roughly the same whether you're drunk or sober. She does know her own reputation, and that it would be impossible for her to go anywhere in NYC without paparazzi following her. So how would she expect to get drunk and violate probation when she has zero chance of getting away with it? But every time I stop to consider these factors, I keep coming back to, "Yeah, but...it's Lindsay."

*sigh* Who would've thought there's a rich, good looking woman out there who's too big of a drunk to be wifey material? Lindsay, your Rummy's in the mail. It comes with a matching ankle bracelet (that a nice officer will be helping you put on).