Social Drinker of the Week

In what will hopefully become a weekly feature, On the Rocks will shine the spotlight on a man or woman who has gone above and beyond the drinkers' call of duty. This week's recipient of the Rummy [award name is a work-in-progress] is Tyler Patrick Thomas.

From The Huffington Post:

CORVALLIS, Ore. — An Oregon State University offensive lineman has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked and intoxicated in a stranger's home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.

That's a good start, but what makes Thomas so special? I mean, aside from having three first names? There's probably at least two cases a month in the US of drunken college kids ending up naked in a stranger's house (or maybe my Washington & Jefferson pedigree just makes me jaded to that sort of thing). So why does he deserve such a prestigious award?

Responding officers ordered 19-year-old Tyler Patrick Thomas of Kalispell, Mont., to get on the ground, Lt. Tim Brewer said.

Thomas refused and instead dropped into a three-point stance like a football player and lunged at the officers, Brewer said. At that point, he said, two officers fired their stun guns.

There are a number of interesting points here:

1. Breaking into someone's house is one level of drunken stupidity (though I'd like to know the particulars of why he was there—maybe he thought it was his friend's place?); merely resisting arrest is another; but taking the initiative to challenge the cops? Brilliant (you know...in that it was incredibly stupid).


2. Thomas dropping into a three point stance before making the charge is hilarious. I wish the cop hadn't been armed with anything, just for the mental imagery of him helplessly getting drive-blocked out of the house.


3. Maybe it's just me, but there's a very limited number of things that I'm comfortable doing when completely naked. The very idea of getting into a three point stance and bursting off the line at anyone—police or civilian, man or woman—while wearing my birthday suit can only result in me giggling like a school girl and abandoning the charge before it's ever started.


4. There is quite a bit of irony here: This kid's subconscious—and, by logical extension, life—is so ingrained with football, that it's his go-to defense mechanism when cornered. And yet, he uses it amidst an episode of intoxicated madness that has cost him his ability to play the game that is, very likely, the only thing he knows.

Don't ever let anyone try to tell you that alcohol isn't poetic.

Congrats to you, Tyler Patrick Thomas, on becoming the inaugural recipient of the On The Rocks "Rummy Award". You can place it on your mantle and look upon it fondly while you complete your University of Phoenix application.