One Night in Charlottesville, Part III -- The Crackhouse of Horrors

[Part I and Part II of the saga.]

I was sound asleep on the living room floor when a knock at the door woke me at around 8:30 am. When I opened the door, BBB was standing there with his trademark big goofy grin.

Me: “Where the f**k have you been?”
BBB: *giggling* “I’ll tell you later.”

He promptly found himself a spot on the floor and passed out. A few hours later, the six of us went out to brunch at a nearby buffet. I think the manager on duty might’ve cursed under his breath when he saw our large persons walk in, some of us still drunk from the night before. It being early on a Sunday afternoon, there were lots of families, some fresh from church, seated near our table. Between our boozy stench and uncensored conversations, I’m sure we earned the eatery a few bad reviews that day. Once we were all situated, BBB filled us in on his epic night.

…As he watched Butters grow smaller in the distance, he started to realize that he was in a bit of a tight spot. His “saviors” were all complete strangers, and he had no idea where they were headed. They eventually stopped at a house, where one or two other people were waiting for them. Everyone sat down around a dining room table, and he got to know his new friends. They all seemed to be nice folks, offering him something to drink and/or eat. They even offered him…a hit of their crack pipe.

Yes folks, that’s right: BBB had been rescued by crackheads.

One of the two women from the car pulled out a pipe, a lighter, and some rocks. She lit up, took a few puffs, and passed it BBB’s way.

BBB: “No thanks—I’m trying to quit.”

The gentleman who had been driving the getaway car explained to BBB that he didn’t smoke the stuff either—he just sold it. Drunk as he was, BBB had enough sense to understand his situation. Crack dealing is a violent trade, and to succeed at it you have to be a violent person. And, on top of that, the drug often turns those who smoke it into merciless scavengers, who will steal the shoes off your feet if they think they can make a dollar selling them. BBB was now surrounded by a dealer or two, and a few addicts. As he told us the following afternoon, “I thought to myself, ‘I canNOT fall asleep before any of these motherf****rs do!’”

He stopped drinking, determined to outlast everyone else in the house. He was about to find that tougher than planned, however. One of the women was about 5’2” on her feet, but 5’10" when lying on her side. She had walked off to a back room for a short while, and now returned wearing nothing but a t-shirt. Briefly looking around the room, she announced, “Mmmm…I need to get my cl** licked!”

Her eyes had come to a stop on BBB’s as the statement finished. I only wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see the look of sheer terror on his face in that moment. (Esq: “So what happened after you finished banging her?”) Despite his vow to stay awake, BBB’s best available defensive tactic was to dive on the floor, and announce, “I’m sleeping!” He, of course, only pretended to doze off, keeping himself vigilant of anyone attempting to harm him while he was lying prone.

Everyone in the house eventually went to bed themselves. BBB then took the opportunity to look around. He tiptoed into the kitchen and opened the fridge, finding an entire Papa John’s pizza. He opened the box and started feasting, and then continued to investigate the room. The sun had begun to rise; he saw a telephone, and then shortly after that found a phonebook. He looked up the number of a cab company, but where could he tell them to pick him up? He had no idea what the house’s address was. He polished off the pizza while quietly searching around the kitchen and surrounding rooms for an envelope, magazine, or anything that might have an address on it. He finally found one, and called the cab company. The cab came, and he stealthily made his way outside without anyone in the house waking up. I sometimes have wondered if the crackheads awoke the next day thinking that BBB had only been a hallucination.

Once in the taxi, though, he had a new problem: he didn’t know Esq’s address. He knew that the apartment was near the UVA campus, but had no other navigation point but the Hardee’s next door. The driver, unfortunately, wasn’t familiar with that particular landmark. The small amount of experience BBB had with Charlottesville’s roadways had been at night, and he had been merely a passenger—a heavily intoxicated one, at that. They drove around the greater Charlottesville area for 45 minutes until BBB found something he recognized—that grand ol’ yellow star high up in the air. For the third time in less than 24 hours, Hardee’s had brought a lost adventurer to Esq’s front door.

As BBB and I wearily traveled back home later that day, my phone rang. It was Chief, who was riding in Butters’ car, up ahead of us on the highway. After a quick question about our route, he paused.

Chief: “So…has [BBB] finally admitted to f***ing that fat broad yet?”
Me: “No, but he might as well. Obviously when WE tell the story to everyone back home, that’s how that part of his night’s going to end.”
BBB: “I DIDN’T TOUCH HER!”
Chief: “Sssuuuuurrrrrrrre he didn’t.”

One Night in Charlottesville, Part II

[We pick up the story where we last left our inebriated protagonists, just after Esq rang the bell at the end of Part I]

Next up was a small diner down the street. We all saddled up to the counter, ordering ourselves burgers with the works. Midway through his meal Chief stumbled off to the restroom, innocently leaving his food unguarded—with six other large, drunk, hungry guys around. Alcohol has a way of making people naïve. Esq and BBB, who were sitting on either side of Chief’s seat, quickly split up his burger and fries, and an empty plate awaited him when he returned from his break. In disgust he cursed at them and headed out the door. Several people from our group followed him—without paying for their meals. I, somehow, wasn’t one of the scofflaws. By the time I had finished paying and hurried after my brethren, I found Motown a half block away with his shirt off, standing face-to-face with a scrawny random kid (SRK).

Walking up the street after Chief, Motown had bumped into SRK, who was with his girlfriend and another scrawny guy. Words were exchanged, Motown took off his shirt (standard prefight protocol for natives of his hometown Monessen, PA) and the faceoff had ensued. BBB, in his grinning, happy-drunk stage, pushed past Motown and got in front of SRK. Then, with one of his big, meaty hands, he palmed SRK’s face and lightly pushed him backwards. Some of you, out there in the blogosphere, may think of this as an aggressive act; however, if you research drunken fat guy behavioral patterns, you’ll find that this is a common deed of diplomacy amongst the species, meant to dissuade hostile activity.

BBB’s tactic had its desired effect, as the jolt seemed to help remind SRK that he and his friend were outnumbered threefold by guys quite larger than either of them. He backed down, and we convinced BBB and Motown to head down the block. When we got to the corner, however, we heard the ever-familiar “WHOOP-WHOOP.” Two police cruisers rushed onto the scene, which sent everyone scattering. Most of my crew instinctively ran for cover—it had been our friends, after all, who had incited just about every last part of the altercation. But after they jumped out of their cars, the cops chased down…SRK and his friend. SRK himself was tackled on the steps of a nearby building, and the officer kept a knee in his back as he cuffed his wrists together. Watching the scene, SRK’s girlfriend sobbed to Baby Joey, “It’s his 19th birthday, and now he’s going to jail!” Joey, in response, was cold as ice:

Baby Joey [calmly]: “Oh well—shouldn’t have been drinking.”

We collected ourselves at Esq’s Jeep in the parking garage, and quickly realized we were without BBB. Butters gave us the scoop: When the police showed up, he and BBB were standing on the corner. A group of strangers—a guy and two girls—were getting into a car, and offered to take BBB and Butters out of there. BBB hopped into the backseat, expecting to turn and see Butters getting in behind him. Instead he saw Butters still standing on the sidewalk, staring at him as the door closed and the car sped off.

At the time, BBB didn’t own a cell phone. So, to recap: he’s in a car full of strangers, in a town in Virginia where he’s never been before, not sure where the car is going, with no way to contact his boys. And his fun was just beginning. But more on that later.

Mrs. Motown, knowing when to call it a night, took her boyfriend home. Esq decided to take Butters, Joey, Chief, and I over to the UVA campus. Things were surprisingly quiet though, and we only spent about 15 or so minutes talking to a couple of his friends outside of a frat house. The excursion was fruitless, aside from Esq accidentally stepping off the porch and rolling his ankle. He crumpled to the ground, giving the impression to a casual observer that he had been taken down by sniper fire. To this day we joke about the other four of us running over to him and carrying him to the car like soldiers removing a wounded comrade from the battlefield.

It was around 2 a.m.; we’d lost two (Motown & the Missus), had one M.I.A. (BBB), and one man wounded (Esq), and we’d retreated to our base (Esq’s apartment). War is hell.

And it wasn’t over yet. Esq and Baby Joey each went to bed, but Butters, Chief, and I had one good mission left in us. Being single young men in the prime of our lives, and knowing that there was a large state college full of nubile ladies less than a mile away, we decided to take action. Esq lived with his girlfriend, Dr. Kelly (though she was out of town that night); and, this being mid-February, there was an opened box of chocolates sitting on the kitchen counter that he had given to her for Valentine’s Day. In the refrigerator, we found a half-empty box of wine (a Dr. Kelly favorite). Armed with these two items, we piled into Butters’ car, and we headed out on a wool hunt.

What happened over the course of the next two hours—in fact, even what happened from 20 minutes before this—is forever washed from my personal recollection by alcohol and sleep. Butters is the only one of us to fully remember that voyage (lucky for us, then, that he was the one driving). I, on the other hand, woke up around 4 a.m. with my head against the window, riding shotgun down the freeway towards the Hardee’s star. We had stalked around the UVA campus, looking for women to entice with our wine and chocolates. Our search came up short, though. At one point (I’m told), we stopped at a light and I yelled out to an individual walking down the street, “SHOW ME YOUR SQUIRREL!”

Butters: “Dude, that’s a guy.”
Me: *pause* “SHOW ME YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SQUIRREL!”

Not long thereafter I fell asleep, only shortly after Chief did the same in the backseat. Butters was then left alone to navigate his way through the Virginia blackness back to Esq’s. He of course got lost, and I awoke just as our journey through Charlottesville and its surrounding towns and wilderness was coming to an end. When we walked back into Esq’s and all fell down for the night (morning) on the couches and floor, BBB was still nowhere to be found.

One Night in Charlottesville, Part I

There are hundreds—if not thousands—of drinking stories involving my friends and me. But few hold a place as dear in our hearts as the tale of a night in Charlottesville, VA in February 2002. It is frequently repeated and discussed whenever more than two of the seven key players are gathered together; especially when we’re assembled because one of those individuals is getting married. The contrast between “drunken idiot yelling/ shoving/ eating/ hunting/ slamming/ disappearing/ escaping/ etc...” and “mature man marrying” is too sharp not to inspire awe and retellings of the great adventure.

The trip arose from very basic origins: Esq was in his first year of law school at the University of Virginia, and wanted his boys to come hang out for a night on the town. Nearing Charlottesville, BlahBlahBlah and I wondered which highway exit we were supposed to take to get to Esq’s apartment. That question was answered, however, when a towering, glowing Hardee's star appeared over the trees that lined an upcoming exit ramp. Any Washington & Jefferson grad (pre Class of ’06) worth his salt has taken an intoxicated 3 a.m. trip to the Hardee's drive-thru, and subsequently inhaled the greasiest—and most satisfying—patties of ground meat to ever get adorned with bacon, cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and buns. When we took the exit and found Esq’s apartment building to be a parking lot away from the giant star that had guided us, it just felt…right.

The five of us—Chief, Baby Joey, Butters, BBB, and I—knocked on Esq’s door, and were greeted by the man himself, who was holding an open 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best (Beast) Light. We were each handed a cold can as we filed past him. Court was in session.

Our buddy Motown and his wife (“Mrs. Motown,” though at the time she was still just his girlfriend) arrived a short while later, having driven from their home in a nearby Virginia town where Motown worked as a corrections officer at a prison. His new career path was hilarious to those of us who knew Motown. A generally jovial guy, he was ever so quick to settle disputes with his fists and muscles, which are as big as his near constant grin. Hours after I first met Motown, back in college, I watched him dish out a thorough beatdown to a guy behind a dorm building. Motown wasn’t a student at W&J, but his best friend was, as was a Phi Si with whom he had beefed the previous summer. Motown had decided, therefore, to kill two birds with one stone by visiting his buddy and taking care of his unfinished business all in the same night. His best friend (who is also a friend of mine) and I, along with 3 or 4 others, stood guard to be sure the fight stayed one-on-one (Phi Sis typically preferred 20-vs.-1 odds than to shoot a fair one). For approximately three minutes, Motown manhandled his opponent, delivering punches, body slams, and a few rib kicks—before we finally stepped in and pulled him off the poor sap—with childlike enthusiasm, grinning and playfully talking trash. As his friend walked the beaten guy back to the Phi Si house, I joined the others in laughingly congratulating Motown, all while thinking to myself, “Thank god he’s on my side.”

The eight of us at Esq’s apartment spent the next few hours trading stories, playing games, and annihilating the better part of four Beast 30 packs. I believe the final tally as we were leaving for the bars was around 96 cans of beer that had been sent to their final resting place. That’s 12 beers per person. Yessir. And now it was time to unleash ourselves upon Charlottesville.

Our first stop was a large, crowded sports bar [I cannot remember the name, but if one of my friends does, I will update the blog later]. As we reached the door and the bouncer who was checking IDs, Chief suddenly realized that he had left behind his driver’s license…in Pittsburgh. He explained this to the doorman, who was far from sympathetic. Motown, thinking fast, stepped forward and flashed his corrections officer badge. “Don’t worry,” he assured the bouncer, “I’ll keep an eye on him.” It was nothing short of ironic to see one of my friends taken into a bar by a badge.

As we filed up the steps into the bar, Chief began a “Hear we go, Steelers” chant—the same nauseating, slack-jawed chorus typically heard in and around Heinz Field in the fall. Only we were in central Virginia. In February. For Yinzers, logic is rarely an option.

Despite his conspicuous introduction to Charlottesville’s nightlife, Chief was far from being our biggest problem child. Not long after getting ourselves drinks, BBB decided he was going to try out the pool tables. But when he walked over to a busy table and placed a dollar bill down on the railing, one of the guys playing on the table informed him that this bar had a different policy regarding their billiards tables. Instead of them being pay-per-play, bar patrons had to put down a credit card and “rent” a table for a set amount of time. Unfortunately, BBB had long ago drunk himself past the point of comprehending this adjustment to his plan to secure a pool table. Seeing a confused look on his face, the other guy picked up BBB’s dollar and handed it back to him, while trying to explain the rules once again. BBB looked at him, and then slammed his dollar bill back down on the railing. The guy once again picked up the bill and handed it back to BBB, who once again slammed it down on the table. Negotiations were at an impasse.

All of this caught the attention of a bouncer, who pulled BBB over to where the rest of us were located. The owner and another bouncer came over as well, and I found myself standing between them and my boys, playing “Sober Representative” for BBB. The owner wanted to remove him (and probably the rest of us as well), but I did my best to reason with him. It didn’t help, of course, that while I talked to him Chief stood behind me calling one of the bouncers “Flava Flav.” Shouts of “Hey Flav, where’s your giant clock?” bellowed from over my right shoulder while I tried to convince the bar owner that my other friend wasn’t too drunk to be in the establishment. ‘Tis my life.

Somehow, I managed to persuade the owner that I could control BBB. As he began to relent, however, I glanced past him to the pool table where all of the fun had started. I had not realized it, but BBB had snuck away from the fray, and was back at the table. Giggling yet methodic, he lined the pool table's railing with empty beer bottles from around the bar. My mouth-agape gaze finally cued the owner to turn around, and after seeing BBB’s work, he glared back at me with anger. I’m not sure he even needed to say the words “get out” for us to know that our visit to his bar had ended.

We walked down the street to a smaller, less-populated bar. We got ourselves beers, and things were going swimmingly…for about five minutes. Chief had reached his rambunctious stage of heavy drinking—known amongst our circle of friends as “Chief Drunk”—and decided that some of the random people near him were in need of some playful shoves. The bartender, seeing a crew made up mostly of large gentlemen (Butters, at about 6’0” 230lbs was the smallest male in our group), decided to nip things in the proverbial bud. My drunk had finally caught up with me, so Esq took over all negotiation duties. The bartender made Esq see the wisdom in our leaving; but, law student that he was, my friend decided to reach a compromise. Behind the bar was a large bell (I’m not sure why it was there; maybe it’s just a Virginia thing?), and Esq said he needed to ring it in exchange for us cutting our stay short. The bartender conceded, and the bar was quickly filled with the piercing clanging of Esq’s parting gift. Finished with the bell, and grinning from ear to ear, he turned to the rest of us and said, “Okay, let’s go!”