Wifey Material: Tina Fey

Okay, she deserves this status for much more than just this scene. Hell, her verse on Childish Gambino's mixtape ROYALTY alone earned her a Hall of Fame induction. But this is wonderful acting, if for no other reason than it reminded me of me and my sister...if our roles were reversed.

Love Tina Fey for this scene. #ThisIsWhereILeaveYou pic.twitter.com/M0gOZvsAHq

— Mr. Belvey & Ice (@CS_Defi) July 3, 2015

Wifey Material: Alli Alberts

Call me old fashioned, but I just get woozy around a blonde bombshell who can read over the top on a man under Cover-2, and then chug a beer between plays.

From Playboy:

Chicago Bliss’ free-safety Alli Albert grabbed a beer from a fan mid-game and chugged the entire thing right in the middle of the field because she doesn’t give AF!

Now there's a gal you can snuggle up on the couch with and watch Sportscenter.

Wifey Material: Beer-Loving Bae

I have no idea who she is, but I kinda feel like we were meant to be, don't you?

Wifey Material: Lauren Bishop

Meet Lauren. Lauren is beautiful. Lauren is a drinker. Lauren is hilarious.

And, as good as she is on Twitter, she's even better in video.





Seriously, someone give this woman a TV show. Where's Dan Harmon at? You're telling me she wouldn't kill as a recurring character on Community, Dan? You can't show a fellow lover of booze and comedy some love?

[*ahem* Speaking of which, Dan, you haven't returned any of my emails. Has your assistant been getting them to you? Dan? Dan?...]

Okay, I maayyyy be a little biased; I love Lauren. I'd even want to hang out with her if she wasn't hot—that's the male equivalent of true love! I love her so much, though, that I'm starting to get worried; the more I watch her suck down boxed wine, the more I think we might be related.

Wifey Material: Courtnie

From FHM:

02 She recently discovered that she can balance a beer on her bum. "That was a very proud day."

...Need I say more?

Wifey Material: Anna Kendrick

TJ said on Facebook today that he'd fight any of us to get close to her. Little does he know he'd get sniped the second I thought he stood any chance of stopping me from getting next to Anna.



If I were to do a Rat Pack Vegas weekend like the Ciroc ad I never get tired of, Anna would be on the women's team. Some of my friends would be there too, of course. Probably. Maybe. But Anna would definitely be in there. Who doesn't want to toast a glass with her while cutting up at Caesars at 4 a.m.?

Wifey Material: Emma Thompson

Love has no age limits. Especially when a woman is this gangsta about enjoying her martini.



When I grow up, I want me a wife as thorough as Emma.

Wifey Material: Kate Upton

...I mean, it's just not fair. First, she's Kate Upton. Flawless. And now she goes and does this.



The only way she can top this is to show off her skills at twerk cup. Then the prophecies will finally be fulfilled...

TJ with the assist.

Wifey Material: Scarlet Bouvier

I'm new to Scarlet's fan club, but I'm waving my "I heart Scarlet" flag just as vigorously as anyone else. She's beautiful. She's funny. She loves booze. She loves getting naked. And she loves cats. And she loves funny cat jokes about booze (that I can only imagine she tweeted while naked).

Hello, Mrs. D.E.F.I...

She gets me. RT @ScarletBouvier: My life pic.twitter.com/ZfHNgHDwfG
— The D.E.F.I. (@crkstr_defi) September 19, 2013

Wifey Material: Rihanna

I really don't have much to base this post on. It's just a thin excuse to put up this picture of my dream woman looking delish as ever at a VMA after party.

But while we're here, let me bestow upon you a lesson in wifeydom (listen up, ladies): The sexiest accessory you can wear is a rocks glass. Leave the martini glasses to shitfaced 22-year-olds drinking 30 proof, overpriced Kool Aid that they bought with their first paycheck. You want to get your grown-ass-woman on and let guys know you can handle your own? Follow RiRi's lead.

Do the damn thing, baby.

[Image source: Global Grind.]

Wifey Material: Natasha Leggero

Before last night, you may have known Natasha from her millions of quick-hit guest spots on TV shows. Or her killer quick-hit scene in He's Just Not That Into You. Or her stand-up. Or from her frequent appearances on Chelsea Lately. Or her hundreds of other appearances around the comedy world. Or her album, "Coke Money". Or Burning Love.

But forget all of that. Now, you can just call her my beautiful, drunken wife.

Comedy Central

Wifey Material: Selena Gomez

Is it just me, or is Selena looking a lot sexier now that she's "legal?"

From E!:

Selena Gomez didn't mess around when it came to celebrating her 21st birthday.

During an appearance on Tuesday's Tonight Show, host Jay Leno asked the "Come & Get It" singer about her first legal drink upon reaching the milestone.

"I had a shot of Jack [Daniels]," Gomez revealed.

When Leno inquired how many, she admitted, "I don't remember."

She went straight to Jack? This is a woman after my own heart. Come to Pittsburgh, Selena. Come home. 'Cuz we ain't gettin' no younger, so we might as well do it...

Wifey Material: Salma Hayek

I've long had a hard soft spot in my pants heart for Salma, as has most of America. And I'm not just talking about the men; an ex of mine was "bi-curious" (in that she loved having sex with women as well as men but was too scared to call herself bisexual), and kept a sexy picture of Salma on the wall in her bedroom. We had many the metaphysical threesome with her in that room.

And all of that was before I found out the hall-of-fame Latina was a natural at flip-cup.

From E!:

The actress stopped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Thursday to promote her new film Grown Ups 2, and the funnyman couldn't help but challenge the brunette beauty to a game of flip cup after learning she plays the drinking game "quarters" in the Dennis Dugan-directed flick.

"We're going head to head in the classic drinking game flip cup," Jimmy explained. "Instead of teams, we'll be drinking and flipping ourselves. We each have six cups here. The first to drink the beers and flip all six cups wins."

Salma, who stunned in a black jumpsuit with a plunging neckline, admitted she'd never played the classic college game.

"It's my first time, but I have a suspicion you've been doing this a long time," the actress quipped with her best game face on.

After the pair both fumbled with their first cup, Salma got the hang of the game and proceeded to seamlessly flip all five cups, showing off her skills that could put any frat guy to shame.

"I'm so embarrassed," Jimmy confessed after Hayek totally kicked his butt. "That was unbelievable."

Te amo, Salma. If you're willing to get down on some beer pong, you can be my partner anytime.

Wifey Material: ...

...whoever this angel may be. Let's consider all of the qualities she's displayed for us:

• She's sexy (I mean, call me shallow. But...that's the first thing guys see.)
• She's faithful. (Who did she have sex with in this ad? No one, right?)
• She got shit taken care of for her man. (All you want, as a guy, is a woman who will take care of any detail and/or home-related duty that you don't. And, in this case, the man left his woman with the task of cleaning on this particular day. And she found a way to accomplish that without actually having to work hard. Call me crazy, but that sounds like innovation to me.)

I'm so in love. In my heart, I want a woman who will be out there climbing corporate ladders just like me. But...I won't lie; there's something sooooo sexy about her "Everything is resolved, I took care of your home while you were gone" demeanor. It's submissive, sure. But...yeah.

Wifey Material: Mila Kunis

Jennifer Lawrence is probably the only A-list Hollywood actress with a personality more grounded than Mila's. This isn't just how personable and funny guys want a beautiful celebrity to be; this is how personable and funny we want every woman to be. Sadly, ladies, 90% of you just aren't.

And the girl knows her booze (4:30 mark). *sigh* I give this kid a lot of credit for keeping it together as well as he does. If I were in his shoes, I probably would've fainted the second she shot that eyes-narrowed, I'm-about-to-make-you-love-me look.



Mila, please kick Ashton to the curb and marry Chris Starks. A woman as awesome as you deserves better.

*on the floor*

Wifey Material: Maria Menounos

I mean, do I even have to explain why?

Just look at the flawless form she shows while holding her glass of wine...in front of her flawless form. You've even got to give it up to her for the cleverness of the caption she included: "Life is good."

Nasir Jones couldn't have said it better himself. And if you think life is good now, Miss Menounos, just wait until you're Mrs. D.E.F.I....

...or when you're eventually ex-Mrs. D.E.F.I. That, I'm sure, will be pure ecstasy.

Wifey Material: Jennifer Lawrence

Let me get a couple of things out of the way, first:

1. There's not a whole lot, alcohol-wise, going on with this story. Jen admits (around the 1:40 mark) to having done a shot before walking out for the press conference. She also stumbled earlier in the night, but there's been no evidence thus far that the fall was caused by alcoholic intake.
2. SHE'S MY BABY, OUR LOVE IS SPECIAL, AND WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

Luh that girl.

Wifey Material: Joy Glass

I'm not a big fan of PBR, as I've documented before. But Joy could change all of that. What up, guhl...

Happy #friskyfriday everyone! Drink PBR and get Naked! Responsibly of course! xo @playboydotcom @pabstblueri instagr.am/p/QsKUC8KwPc/
— Joy Glass (@TGHJoyGlass) October 12, 2012

Wifey Material: Oktoberfest Frauleins

Okay, so technically they're Polish. But, if I can manage to trip up Dupa as we race in their direction, it won't matter.

Wifey Material: Christina Hendricks

Any friend of Johnnie Walker Blue is a friend of mine.

*pauses*

*stares*

*drools*

I think I'll cut this post short, to prevent typing something that will get me in trouble with our Standards and Practices Department.