Back Away

Spuds MacKenzie was a pussy compared to this dog.

This was found by my boy Chris, who suggested this pup was his spirit animal. Hard to disagree. Of course, if it had been protecting a bottle of Makers Mark instead, it would've been my spirit animal.

Post by X 96.3 FM.

Wifey Material: Scarlet Bouvier

I'm new to Scarlet's fan club, but I'm waving my "I heart Scarlet" flag just as vigorously as anyone else. She's beautiful. She's funny. She loves booze. She loves getting naked. And she loves cats. And she loves funny cat jokes about booze (that I can only imagine she tweeted while naked).

Hello, Mrs. D.E.F.I...

She gets me. RT @ScarletBouvier: My life pic.twitter.com/ZfHNgHDwfG
— The D.E.F.I. (@crkstr_defi) September 19, 2013

Social Drinking Excellence: Wild Pig

Go home, Pig, you're drunk.

From The Guardian:

The animal was seen stealing three six-packs of beer from campers before ransacking rubbish bags for food.

One camper reported seeing the pig guzzling the beer before getting involved in an altercation with a cow.

"In the middle of the night these people camping opposite us heard a noise, so they got their torch out and shone it on the pig and there he was, scrunching away at their cans," said the visitor, who estimated that the pig had consumed 18 beers.

"Then he went and raided all the rubbish bags. There were some other people camped right on the river and they saw him being chased around their vehicle by a cow."

The pig was reportedly last seen resting under a tree, possibly nursing a hangover.

TJ first sent me this story at about 9 a.m. today; 15+ hours later, I'm still searching for something witty to add to all of this. So far all I've got is, "Go home, Pig, you're drunk."

This might just be the most perfect news blurb to ever be blurb'd. But, for the sake of a challenge, let's see what I can do:

• Boy, Babe has really fallen on hard times since Pig in the City.
  
• Turn-back-the-clock-to-my-college-days-slam: A drunk pig on the rampage, rummaging through the trash for food? Weird. Kappas usually just hit up the soft-serve machine.
• The fact that no one has come forward with video footage of a drunk pig getting chased around a car by a cow is a travesty, and has left my life feeling incomplete.
• Does this make this pig the Australian version of Spuds MacKenzie?
  

Pig, I'll be hand-delivering your Rummy Award. I'm coming to Australia to drink with you.

Just a Pup to the Game

These young bucks, man... They just can't hold their booze.

Social Drinking Excellence: Everett Lages

Just go ahead and read this excerpt from The Huffington Post while I continue the blank stare that I've had since reading the headline:

Everett Lages was arrested outside of Emerald City strip club in Murdock, Fla. on Tuesday for repeatedly calling 911 after the owner prohibited him from entering with a kitten, according to a Charlotte County Sheriff's press release.

When Emerald City's owner told the 47-year-old man to leave, he instead sat down outside and called the cops, the release said.

Lages appeared intoxicated when deputies arrived, prompting authorities to call him a taxi, according to the release.

The kitten-carrier refused to tell the cab driver where he lived and instead kept calling 911 -- despite sheriff's deputies still being at the scene -- so police arrested him.

Lages is charged with misuse of the 911 system, disorderly intoxication, trespassing after warning and resisting arrest without violence.

There was a time when Rummy candidates seemed to only come around once every so often. Now it's like they pop up everyday. Not only that, but more and more of them involve animals in some way, shape, or form. These are strange times, folks. I've got so many questions that it's hard to choose where to start. Let's go with this:

• Why the hell did he have a kitten? Was it his kitten, or did he find it or steal it from somewhere on his way to the strip club?
• ...Was he out drinking when he saw the kitten and—by process of word association—got the idea to go to the strip club?
• Why, exactly, does the strip club have an anti-kitten policy? What, are they worried about health and cleanliness standards? Because...
• Was the kitten his designated driver?
• I've got to say...as crazy as this tale reads, taking a kitten into a strip club actually sounds like a brilliant idea. There may be no better way to woo a dancer into some extras in the champagne room.

• This may be a whole new level of drunkenness; who has ever been so hammered that they didn't realize they were in the presence of the police? No matter how blacked-out blotto people are, the one thing that usually brings about some sense of awareness is a cop showing up. But Mr. Lages was so destroyed that he continued to call 9-1-1 despite the fact that the police were standing right in front of him. He seems to have discovered a black hole of inebriation.
• Considering how many crazy news stories come out of Florida these days (naked, face-eating man, anyone?), just how jaded do you think 9-1-1 operators in that state are? I can't help but wonder if the operator(s) taking Lages' calls even blinked when he explained he needed assistance because a strip club wasn't letting him into their establishment with his pet cat. These folks might be the closest thing America has to the Royal Guards in England.
  

Mr. Lages, your Rummy is in the mail. It can also be used as a cat carrier, and there's a compartment for storing your dollar bills.

Tipping Cows

Coming just a few weeks after my own story about drinking out in the countryside, this sounds...poetic.

From MSNBC:

Serious party foul: Six bovines crashing your bash and getting totally wasted on your beer. That's literally what happened in Boxford, Mass., last weekend when six cows emerged from the darkness, invaded a small backyard party and went, in the police's words, "right for the beer." The cows knocked over the drinks and lapped them up while startled guests called police. "They enjoyed it. There's no doubt about it," said Lt. James Riter.

I'm sure my fellow experienced drinkers recognized the table that was vandalized as being a beer pong (or, possibly flip cup) table. Given the few times I've ponged with farm animals within smelling distance, this story just warms my heart. The fact that no one from the party was found taking a joy ride on one of the cows, though, tells me that the group wasn't drunk enough.

Social Drinking Excellence: Jerald Reiter

As you read this blurb from KCRG in Cedar Rapids, keep one thing in mind: The GOP considers Iowa an important state in the process of finding a candidate to run for President.

A Cascade man was arrested outside of a Dubuque bar on Sunday night with a pet zebra and a macaw parrot in the front seat of his truck.

Officers charged Jerald Reiter, 55, with OWI. Police reports say officers stopped him in the parking lot of the Dog House Lounge as he drove away in his truck. According to police, field sobriety tests showed Reiter had a blood alcohol level of .14. The legal limit in Iowa is .08.

Reiter tells KCRG.com that he and his girlfriend, Vickey Teters, see the animals like their kids and often take them for rides. On Sunday night, they say they took the zebra and the macaw to the bar because it often lets people bring their animals inside.

Reiter says the owner told him they were serving food that night and he couldn’t bring a zebra inside the bar. Bar owners tell KCRG.com that no animals are ever allowed inside the establishment.

...Seriously. This state has electoral college votes. Seven of them.

• Iowa being part of the "Bible Belt" and all, is this guy Noah?
• ...Hard to imagine he'll be able to fit all those animals into a pickup truck, though.
• How, exactly, does one come to own a zebra? What leads up to the day when you wake up and say to yourself, "You know what? I think I'll get myself a zebra today. Then maybe lunch."

• ...And how does one come to have a girlfriend when he owns a zebra?
• In fairness, though, I'm led to believe the zebra and parrot were joint purchases made by Reiter and Teters. But that means that someone crazy enough to buy a zebra, and then ride around with both it and a parrot in a truck, was able to find someone who shared his hopes and dreams of one day buying a zebra and riding around with both it and a parrot in a truck. That's true love, people.
• Maybe this is all an elaborate drunk driving system he's got going here. The bird's the spotter, and calls out the turns in the road ahead like a GPS; the zebra's for riding away from the ditch that your truck will inevitably be in, because parrots don't understand that trucks can't just fly over ditches and other obstacles.
• ...Or maybe he's just a drunk hick living in Iowa who decided owning a zebra and a parrot was smarter than procreating. *thinking*
• ...Maybe I misjudged the IQ levels of Iowans?
• Then again...maybe not.
  

Mr. Reiter, your Rummy Award is in the mail. We're also throwing in two small, plush Rummies, for your "kids".

TJ with the assist.

Social Drinking Excellence: Ryan James Stephens

This one's quick and involves a simple lesson: When you're drunk and the police aren't concerned with you, turn and stumble away.

From CBS News:

An Ohio man has been charged with a misdemeanor for barking at a police dog.

It happened in the Cincinnati suburb of Mason - the police report says 25-year-old Ryan James Stephens is charged with teasing the K-9, which was in a patrol car.

Officer Bradley Walker wrote that while he investigated a car crash at a pub early Sunday morning, he heard the police dog barking uncontrollably inside his car. Allegedly, Stephens - the "animal impersonator" - was making barking noises and hissing at the real thing.

Walker reported that when he asked the barking Mr. Stephens why he was harassing the canine, he said "the dog started it." The officer also said Stephens appeared highly intoxicated (which is actually reassuring in this case).

If you're ever so drunk that you decide to grab the attention of a cop who isn't paying you any attention...yup, you deserve to end up where Mr. Stephens did. And you don't deserve to drink. All you're doing is wasting a perfectly good inebriation. Maybe instead of bothering with all of the paperwork and taking up the court's time, the cop should've just opened the car door and let the dog exact its own revenge. I'm sure it would have left quite the toothmark on Stephens' memory.

Mr. Stephens, your Rummy's in the mail. It has a built-in dog whistle, in case you want to communicate with your canine friends again.

Props to TK for spotting this one.

Social Drinkers of the Week (9/29)

There comes a point where even I can't find anything to add to a story. This week's Rummy Award co-winners have pulled off the feat.

From KnoxNews.com:

Two men allegedly "got to drinking" and ended up running naked through the Tiger Haven sanctuary after they were fired from their jobs there, according to a Roane County Sheriff's Department report.

Tiger Haven is located in East Roane County off Harvey Road and houses more than 250 tigers, lions and other big cats.

Their names? Jake Loftis and—you can't make this up—Samuel Adams.

I understand the desire to get revenge on a company that fired you. I don't, however, understand wanting to do it by running around naked. Or getting naked and running around where you can, as the street nucca in my head would say, "get ate the fuck up". In fact, I can safely say that getting chomped on by a tiger is not on my list of things I'm keen on doing while naked. These two guys probably looked like a Whopper and side of fries to all of the lions and tigers as they ran through Tiger Haven. And I've done some running for my life a few times, but never while drunk. I can't even picture the two coexisting. Running while drunk, all you want to do is stop and laugh. Or vomit. Or both. When there's a big cat on your ass that's looking to Siegfried and Roy you, though, neither of those is really an option.

Jake and Sam, here are your Rummies. Next time you practice your special brand of wind sprints, you might want to use them as athletic cups.