Happy Father's Day

Because this'll be my friends when bonding with their grandkids in 25 years.

Trailer: The World's End

Just when you think you know where this movie trailer's going...it explodes into a series of "what the fuck" that makes the Hangover movies look like Dr. Seuss books.

Sounds like my kind of bar night.


See you at the theater. (B.Y.O. Flask)

TJ with the assist.

Scary Hot

If you're under 30, allow me to introduce you to the frightening banshee above: Her name is Claire Forlani. And she's not Scottish.

She was born in England, though she's lived in America for much of her life, and has rarely shown any effects of an accent on or off the stage. Her husband, however, is a Scot (no, his name's not Angus), so she does have some Scottish in her, occasionally. *rimshot* He's also an actor, so I can only imagine Dewars chose her over him because he doesn't look quite as good sitting on a table in a miniskirt.

Coincidentally, if you ARE under 30 and are wondering why you've never heard of Forlani—or if she seems vaguely familiar—then let me share the "Career" section of her Wikipedia page for reference (this is the entire section, which will only further illustrate my point):

Forlani's parents moved to San Francisco in 1993, in order to allow for wider casting opportunities in Hollywood films. Subsequently, Forlani was cast in the television mini-series J.F.K.: Reckless Youth and the film Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. In 1995, she played the supporting role of Brandi Svenning in Mallrats. In 1996, Forlani appeared in a supporting role as Sean Connery's daughter in the film The Rock. She continued to appear in both widely released and smaller-budget films. In 1998, she starred with Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black. She then appeared in Antitrust, a thriller released in January 2001. Forlani was the new face of L'Oréal in 2001. She has been ranked No.51 (2000) and No.89 (2001) in Stuff magazine's 100 Sexiest Women, No.85 (2001) in FHM magazine's 100 Sexiest Women and was slotted in Loaded's Hot 100 Babes. In 2003, she co-starred with Jackie Chan in The Medallion.

In autumn 2006, Forlani joined the cast of CSI: NY in a recurring role as a medical examiner, Dr. Peyton Driscoll.[4] In February 2007, Forlani portrayed Tori Bodeen in the film version of Nora Roberts's best-selling book Carolina Moon. In 2008, she starred opposite Daniel Craig in Flashbacks of a Fool. In 2011, Forlani played Queen Igraine in Camelot and Kate Templeton in Love's Kitchen alongside her husband Dougray Scott.[5]

In 2011, she also made an appearance in NCIS: Los Angeles as Agent Lauren Hunter replacing Henreitta Lange (Linda Hunt) temporarily as the operations director at NCIS for the end of season 2. She also appeared in season 3's finale, where she is killed in a car blast.

You'll note the steep and sudden drop off in high-profile acting gigs. For a small period of time she was every Mallrats-loving stoner's dream girl; now she's inciting fear boners on the behalf of a blended scotch people drink when they don't have an extra few dollars to buy entry-level bottles of Johnnie Walker Red Label.

Every company starting a new marketing campaign does an "extended cut" ad exclusively for the internet these days, and Dewars is no different. It appears below, but if you've got a weak bladder, beware: this shit's like a trailer for a Scottish version of American Horror Story.

Optimus Primed

The realms of wine-connoisseur-sophistication and world-destruction-blood-thirst haven't come together this brilliantly since Dick Cheney's last dinner party. From Craigslist:

For the discerning individual who appreciates artwork and wine - you now have a great opportunity to meld those together into one piece of artwork that will display your bottle collection like no other wine rack. This will make you the talk of your wine club, HOA, alcoholics anonymous support group, etc...

There are only several times in one's life when one has the opportunity to purchase something that is RIDICULOUSLY COOL. This is one of those moments.

...SPECIFICATIONS

Height: 6 feet
Weight: Approx 1,000lbs
Material contents: Used transmission parts from automobiles and motorcycles. There are even parts on the statue that are stamped with the "Ford" logo
Bottle capacity: 32 bottles depending on size of bottle.

All parts used to artistically weld together this stunning piece of artwork have been dipped into a solution to neutralize and remove any oil, grime, or chemicals to ensure there are no corrosive chemicals left. The entire piece was then painted gun metal grey and then clear coated.

I have to imagine this is a great purchase for a bachelor who's into hot nerds. And for someone with a place slightly larger than my two bedroom apartment. Damn it...

TJ with the assist.

Social Drinking Excellence: Everett Lages

Just go ahead and read this excerpt from The Huffington Post while I continue the blank stare that I've had since reading the headline:

Everett Lages was arrested outside of Emerald City strip club in Murdock, Fla. on Tuesday for repeatedly calling 911 after the owner prohibited him from entering with a kitten, according to a Charlotte County Sheriff's press release.

When Emerald City's owner told the 47-year-old man to leave, he instead sat down outside and called the cops, the release said.

Lages appeared intoxicated when deputies arrived, prompting authorities to call him a taxi, according to the release.

The kitten-carrier refused to tell the cab driver where he lived and instead kept calling 911 -- despite sheriff's deputies still being at the scene -- so police arrested him.

Lages is charged with misuse of the 911 system, disorderly intoxication, trespassing after warning and resisting arrest without violence.

There was a time when Rummy candidates seemed to only come around once every so often. Now it's like they pop up everyday. Not only that, but more and more of them involve animals in some way, shape, or form. These are strange times, folks. I've got so many questions that it's hard to choose where to start. Let's go with this:

• Why the hell did he have a kitten? Was it his kitten, or did he find it or steal it from somewhere on his way to the strip club?
• ...Was he out drinking when he saw the kitten and—by process of word association—got the idea to go to the strip club?
• Why, exactly, does the strip club have an anti-kitten policy? What, are they worried about health and cleanliness standards? Because...
• Was the kitten his designated driver?
• I've got to say...as crazy as this tale reads, taking a kitten into a strip club actually sounds like a brilliant idea. There may be no better way to woo a dancer into some extras in the champagne room.

• This may be a whole new level of drunkenness; who has ever been so hammered that they didn't realize they were in the presence of the police? No matter how blacked-out blotto people are, the one thing that usually brings about some sense of awareness is a cop showing up. But Mr. Lages was so destroyed that he continued to call 9-1-1 despite the fact that the police were standing right in front of him. He seems to have discovered a black hole of inebriation.
• Considering how many crazy news stories come out of Florida these days (naked, face-eating man, anyone?), just how jaded do you think 9-1-1 operators in that state are? I can't help but wonder if the operator(s) taking Lages' calls even blinked when he explained he needed assistance because a strip club wasn't letting him into their establishment with his pet cat. These folks might be the closest thing America has to the Royal Guards in England.
  

Mr. Lages, your Rummy is in the mail. It can also be used as a cat carrier, and there's a compartment for storing your dollar bills.

Tipping Cows

Coming just a few weeks after my own story about drinking out in the countryside, this sounds...poetic.

From MSNBC:

Serious party foul: Six bovines crashing your bash and getting totally wasted on your beer. That's literally what happened in Boxford, Mass., last weekend when six cows emerged from the darkness, invaded a small backyard party and went, in the police's words, "right for the beer." The cows knocked over the drinks and lapped them up while startled guests called police. "They enjoyed it. There's no doubt about it," said Lt. James Riter.

I'm sure my fellow experienced drinkers recognized the table that was vandalized as being a beer pong (or, possibly flip cup) table. Given the few times I've ponged with farm animals within smelling distance, this story just warms my heart. The fact that no one from the party was found taking a joy ride on one of the cows, though, tells me that the group wasn't drunk enough.