Target Practice

Once, while hanging out with friends around a beer pong table, I joked that I trained by throwing pong balls through a tiny tire hanging from a tree. This may be about as close to that concept as you can get.

Lil' Reds sells sets of 1.75 oz cups for beer pong, ratcheting up the skill level required drastically. The daunting odds of winning a game where you're throwing at cups this size is intriguing. I may have just found a Xmas gift for some of my peoples.

Social Drinking Excellence: Jeremie Calo

*sigh* Fucking Florida. It's always Florida.

From The Huffington Post:

Jeremie Calo was arrested earlier this month for refusing to pay his $101 bar tab and fighting with a Florida restaurant manager after he and his date, Tiffani Lynn Barganier, allegedly had sex on a patio table in view of children.

...On the call, Murphy can be heard telling Calo to "sit down." The employee also tells the responder the man tried to flee the bar with two beers in his hands.

"He's shit faced now. He's being combative," Murphy explained.

Start the clock...

1. Is it just me, or does this lose credibility right around when Calo starts throwing up? The timing and sound are rather...convenient.
2. ...Never mind. All credibility was restored when the police called back.
3. In reading this account, one of the first things that popped into my head was "Well...wait...where did the girl go?" When you hit about the four minute mark of the recording, though, you realize...she got away! What the fuck?
4. That must be some good nook-nook, to be willing to catch a case while she escapes.
5. ...Or to, you know, feel the need to hit it on a table at a restaurant filled with people and kids.
6. Then again, they do know her name, which means he must have snitched at some point. Someone just gave up some hero sex.
7. I'm not sure what the absolute-worst-case scenario to wake up to after a blackout would be; but this has to be close to it, right? Typically, when you nervously ask your friends what you did the night before, you get something rather tame. "You tried to hit on some chicks but they laughed at you." Or, "You were too drunk to get into the bar, so I had to abandon my pursuit of true love." But in the back of your mind, you're just waiting for them to say, "Well, you had sex with some slut on a table at the restaurant, in plain sight of some little kids. Then the manager called the cops and held you under citizen's arrest while the chick ran..."
8. In case you were curious (I certainly was), Miss Barganier is pictured at right. Which brings to mind an observation I made while sitting in the Tampa airport last week...

Mr. Calo, your Rummy is in the mail. It's coming with a Holiday Inn gift certificate and a pack of Trojans.

Swedish Fishing

Will Ferrell is a damn fool. The Huffington Post uncovered four ads he's done for Old Milwaukee—in Sweden. There's not much I can say about these, other than...well...Will Ferrell is a damn fool. (These two are my favorites.)

Wifey Material: Joy Glass

I'm not a big fan of PBR, as I've documented before. But Joy could change all of that. What up, guhl...

Happy #friskyfriday everyone! Drink PBR and get Naked! Responsibly of course! xo @playboydotcom @pabstblueri instagr.am/p/QsKUC8KwPc/
— Joy Glass (@TGHJoyGlass) October 12, 2012

Social Drinking Excellence: Andrew Bishop

I suppose it's only right that, as November's presidential election nears, even things at On the Rocks are getting a little political.

From the Wisconsin State Journal:

A Minnesota man was charged Tuesday with felony criminal damage and entry into a locked building for allegedly breaking into the state Capitol through a fifth-floor window early Sunday.

Andrew C. Bishop, 21, of Roseville, Minn., had apparently scaled the outside of the Capitol and smashed a window to get into the building, then grabbed a fire extinguisher and threw it through another window, according to a criminal complaint filed in Dane County Circuit Court.

When police found him, he appeared to be passed out on a dome outside one of the windows, but woke up and began kicking at the glass, the complaint states.

Asked how he got where he was, Bishop replied, "I don't know." He apologized several times and said he felt like an angel and wanted to fly. Officer Justin Wichman said Bishop was very drunk, the complaint states.

I've always been a big supporter of a government by the drunks, for the drunks.

1. Wisconsin may have a very legitimate claim as the nation's drinking capital. Not only is the University of Wisconsin renowned for its partying, but the city of Madison itself is attracting some special drunks from neighboring states.
2. I feel like the fact that he climbed five stories up the side of a building with no equipment—while hammered—isn't getting its fair due in this story. Didn't they gloss over it a little too quickly?
3. How do you feel, as a Wisconsinite, knowing that a drunk guy can scale the side of your state Capitol building undetected? And there's no way that this was a quick ascent, either. It had to have taken him a good deal of time to get up there, and no one that drunk is stealthy. Bishop was probably alternating between loudly singing Neil Diamond songs, laughing, and leaving rambling confessions of love on his ex's voicemail as he climbed.

4. There's a Bishop / on-the-roof joke in this, somewhere...
5. ...And an Ocean's 11 / Seagram's 7 lyric, too.
   
6. Bishop broke in through a window, and then broke back out through a separate window. Does this make him a "flip-flopper"?
7. ...Maybe he's related to Mitt Romney?
8. Doesn't it almost feel strange that he wasn't naked? It seems inexplicable that the phrase "found laying nude" wasn't a part of this article...
9. *thinking*...Maybe I've been doing these Rummy Awards for too long.

Mr. Bishop, your Rummy is in the mail. It comes with a grappling hook, 500 ft of rope, and a small pair of angel wings.

TJ with the assist.

Say Their Names

As Americans, we have a bad habit of treating the pronunciation of foreign words like a video game villain standing between us and the next level. This can be an especially challenging setback when discussing and ordering Scotch. Esquire and legendary actor Brian Cox, however, are here to help, beginning with The Balvenie.

In all, there are 48 different brands (go to Esquire's site to see the others). You'll notice that, after about the eighth video, Mr. Cox stops sipping with every take. I'm guessing that was a self-preservation move. God knows how much longer he could have been relied to properly pronounce anything if he had kept tipping them back.

Tip It Up

I've never watched the show; but, given all the boozing they're doing, I don't understand why these Men are so "Mad".



TJ with the assist.