Monday, January 18, 2010

Unicorns and White Whales

Recently, the boys and I have identified two specific types of girls that exist in each of our lives: unicorns and white whales.

Some of you may be familiar with these two terms. Some people even consider them to be synonyms. But I disagree, as I see one fundamental difference between them: Unicorns, being the mythical beasts that they are, represent the ideal woman. A unicorn is that girl out there who you would consider worthy of wearing your wedding ring (or your pinkie ring, if you’re LRG). Your obsession with her is based upon love (or maybe just a deep amount of “smitten”…like, really strong, full-on-smit). She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, trustworthy, caring,…non-whorish; in short, she’s wifey material. A white whale, on the other hand, is far from perfect; in fact, she’s dangerous and destructive. Odds are you know and accept just how big of a worthless slag she is. She may not even be all that hot, but yet you chase all the same. Your obsession, therefore, is based on lust. You want to knock the bottom out, cross her off the list, and move on with your life without ever looking back (well, maybe just a quick morning-after rematch—but then after that no looking back).

At most, you might know one or two girls who fit the unicorn mold. If you think you have more than two unicorns, you’re delusional. And you are probably mistaking a white whale for a unicorn. Either you just don’t know what kind of despicable, dirtbag things that female is up to when you’re not around, or you’re just too drunk to notice them happening right in front of you. Like when she punches you in the face. Twice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I almost wish this last tidbit was about me. There’s a part of me that’s so jealous that my buddy will forever have this story to tell. Of course, that part is outnumbered 999,999-to-1 by parts of me that are shedding tears of laughter, and have yet to pick themselves up off the floor that they’ve been rolling around on since first hearing this tale.

Late last November, a friend of mine—let’s call him “Affliction”, or “Aff”—met a pretty young thing while out on the town one bar night. He found her to be charming; beguiling, even. Now, to know Aff is to know why my friends and I ever got into the unicorn/white whale discussion in the first place. Aff has had an unrelenting crush on almost every cute girl that has ever smiled at him. It’s a character trait that the rest of us have puzzled over. Aff’s not a tool, nor is he a naive virgin; nevertheless, he is unable to see the bad and undesirable in a girl if she’s even moderately attractive. And so, upon meeting this new temptress, he quickly found himself under her spell.

Soon thereafter, he announced to us that he had found himself a new unicorn, and prattled on and on about the unreal connection he had with her. This lass, however, has a bit of a character defect. When she drinks, she becomes…less than logical. Or, in Dupa’s words, “this broad turns batshit insane when she smells alcohol.” Case in point, late in the night that he met her, she randomly—and without provocation—cocked back her tiny fist and punched him in the face. What was Aff’s reaction to this outrageous act, you might ask? He decided that she was merely flirting with him. You just can’t make that up.

Fast forward to a couple of Saturdays ago. After finding out that Pugilist would be sloring with her friends at Dolce, Aff decided to show up uninvited, this time with Chappy along for the ride (if it had been me, finding out that she was hanging at Dolce would be almost as big a turnoff as getting punched in the face; I’ve made my feelings about that joke of a club abundantly clear in the past). Chappy, understanding Aff’s tendency to overvalue girls, decided to test her out by pushing some buttons. He saw the night as an opportunity to knock her straight off the pedestal on which Aff had placed her.

As fate would have it, Pug’s ex-boyfriend was on hand when they arrived, and Chappy quickly recognized him to be a total douche. Hellllloooooo button. Chappy called Pug’s attention to just what a d-bag her ex was. Since she had been drinking, it was more than enough to bring out Ms. Hyde. Pug went ballistic. She yelled at Chappy and, as per their new tradition, punched Aff in the face once again.

After a week or so of laughing at this epic saga, it occurred to me this afternoon that I had not heard any further updates about Aff’s feelings towards her following that night (at the end of which, she walked over to Aff, gave him a hug, and said, “Have a good night”…*sigh*). The natural assumption, of course, would be that he had reevaluated his views on Pug. I decided to IM Dupa about it.

D.E.F.I. (4:59:56 PM): is [Aff] still enamored with the crazy broad who punched him in the face?
Dupa (5:00:15 PM): dunno she stopped bbm'ing him back so he's mad at her apparently
D.E.F.I. (5:00:33 PM): bbm ing?
Dupa (5:02:52 PM): blackberry messaging
D.E.F.I. (5:03:00 PM): ah
D.E.F.I. (5:03:13 PM): lol...THAT pissed him off?...not the chin check?
Dupa (5:03:57 PM): yeah he doesnt like the silent treatment