Casino Drinks

Everyone can calm down. Please stop rioting in the streets. Please put the pitchforks and torches down. We’re still here. "On the Rocks" has gathered a few cobwebs during a brief hiatus over the past week or two. TJ’s been busy taking care of strippers (hint: there's a double meaning here), and I’ve been busy between work and family commitments. It’s affected my opportunities to drink, too. This, in turn, affects my ability to post stories about getting penises drawn on my face. It’s a domino effect, really.

And now TJ’s out in L.A. for a few days. And Kev (a.k.a. The Hero) lives in L.A. And I’m stuck in Pittsburgh, with snow, ice, and slush. A few minutes ago I received a text message:

From: TJ
Subject: I’m in LA, and you’re not.

I hate him.

Last Friday, my friend Zach and I made the trip to Mountaineer Casino, in West Virginia. We left Pittsburgh (and civilization) around 7 pm, and after a short stop in Weirton for a delicious home-cooked meal (gracias, Erica), we trekked through more snow and ice and got to the casino around 11 pm.

I was there for business—poker is money, and money ain’t fun and games—so my drinking was going to be limited. Typically at casinos in the United States, if you’re gambling, you’re drinking for free. West Virginia, however, is another world. I went to Wheeling Island in Wheeling, WV last year, and my friend Chad warned me before I got there that you had to pay for drinks. So when the cocktail waitress walked up to my table at Mountaineer, I expected more of the same. I ordered a plain Coke [let me stop here and say (1.) I was playing poker, (2.) I was the driver that night, and (3.) I had drank a couple of beers with dinner—in other words, don’t judge me], and when she returned with it I asked, "How much?" She looked at me like I was speaking Romanian and said, “There’s no charge.” No charge? Could it be, that I was in a real casino? The next time a waitress came past, I ordered a Jack & Coke. I was still playing poker, I was still the driver, but…it was free, right?

No. “That’ll be $4.” West Virginia. Normally, I would be enthusiastic about a Jack & Coke only costing $4. Instead I was mildly annoyed. They had gotten my hopes up, however briefly. My annoyance changed into puzzlement an hour or so later, when Zach (who had busted out and was touring the building instead of buying back in) told me that he stopped at the bar, and they charged him $3.50 for a bottle of Miller Lite.

Are you kidding me? A bottle of light domestic beer costs only $0.50 less than a drink made with semi-top shelf bourbon? On the drive home we talked about this incredulously, until a thought suddenly dawned on me: The casino is trying to tempt players into buying mixed drinks. They want you to get drunker, and therein more likely to blow your hard-earned money at their tables. Tricky bastards. I’m sure this thinking has a lot to do with real casinos providing your booze for free.

So I warn you, fellow inebriation enthusiasts: don’t fall for the trap. Try your best to show restraint in the face of free or low-priced liquor at casinos. Look at it this way: the less you drink at the tables, the better your chances of winning big money. And that big money can buy a lot of booze and fun.

Or plane tickets to L.A.