Lie Down and Take It

I mean, you're going to end up on the floor anyways... This is just the safer, more responsible way to do it.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Jaws of Life

Three and a half years ago, I told you about the Boozing Field Survival Kit. A good bottle opener was the very first item of the kit that I listed, and I still have my trusty opener fastened to my keychain. But that might all change very soon. The folks at Cranky Monkee are here to reinvent the game.

Weighing just 1.14 grams (.04 oz.) KeyShark is the World's lightest keychain bottle opener. That's less than half the weight of a U.S. dime! How did we do it?

Highly engineered using the same sophisticated stress analysis and optimization techniques used to design aircraft tooling, KeyShark is lightweight, ergonomic and comfortable to use. KeyShark uses your own keys for leverage and seamlessly integrates the index or middle finger in optimal position in use. Fabricated from the highest strength tempered aerospace aluminum using a state of the art waterjet cutting process, KeyShark provides minimum weight and maximum performance.

I see you, KeyShark. And, at only $5 (and only $1 for shipping and handling), I plan on seeing you in my mailbox, too. Very soon.

No Rest for the Bleary

This smacks of genius. These glasses are finely-crafted; so finely-crafted, in fact, that they won't stay upright when they have liquid in them. Which means you'd better tip it at your lips, or it's going to tip all over the table.

Order them from TheCheeky.com.

Puttin' on the Spritz

Science is an amazing thing. It can make tequila taste like coconut, dorm rooms turn into discos, and cups fill with beer from the bottom. And now, it can get you drunk with just a quick spray on your tongue.

From Yahoo! News:

A French American scientist has invented a new alcohol spray that instantly intoxicates the user. However, the effects are nearly as brief, wearing off in a matter of moments.

The spray, WA|HH Quantum Sensations, was created by David Edwards and was unveiled during a recent Paris exhibition.

The short-term effects are reportedly due to the 0.075 milliliter dosage. In other words, it would take 1,000 sprays to equal the level of alcohol contained in one conventional drink.

The spray bottle itself was created by French product designer Philippe Starck and will be sold for about $26.

Reportedly, not only does the sensation of being drunk wear off almost immediately but the user would also supposedly be able to pass a breathalyzer test, verifying that they are no longer under the influence of alcohol.

As interesting as this is as far as science goes...I'm struggling to find a practical use for this product. Why bother spending $26 on a bottle of something that doesn't get you drunk for longer than two seconds at a time? People drink alcohol to experience a whole night (or day...) of relaxed mind, soul, and body. What good does it do to only feel that in less time than it takes to send a drunk text?

TJ with the assist.

I Wonder If Heaven Got a Hangover

Mobile hangover assistance is nothing new. We've seen a food truck in NYC and a girl in Michigan who needs beer money offer their own services to those enduring bad morning-afters. But neither of these provide true medical solutions for hangovers. What's more, neither of these services are offered in Vegas; and, even if they were, it seems hardly feasible that they'd be able to handle a Vegas hangover. That's a different animal altogether. No, for it, you need something much stronger. Something...clinical. Enter Dr. Jason Bourke and the Hangover Heaven bus.

From CBS News:

"I did two bachelor parties, back-to-back," said Bryan Dalia of Caldwell, N.J., who was in town for a wedding, putting his hand to his forehead as he recalled his marathon afternoon of steins of beer and shots of alcohol the previous day at the Hofbrauhaus Las Vegas, then gambling, dining and drinking martinis at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas resort. He remembered "getting a little lost and finding myself on the floor of the Paris" hotel-casino, then "a few more martinis as I gambled my life away."

"How are you doing now?" medical technician Debra Lund asked.

"Better," he replied as he checked his intravenous fluid bag hanging from the bus' ceiling. "My palms aren't sweating anymore. I don't have that, like, cold sweat feeling anymore." "I'm starting to feel great," Dalia said. "This is really very cool."

Dalia was one of the first patients on hand to receive the free treatment for the rollout day of the mobile hangover center. Burke calls his fledgling business a medical practice on wheels, analogous to a physician with an RV offering X-rays, MRIs or mammograms or a blood bank bus in an office parking lot.

The idea of a return to Vegas later this year has been kicked around by my crew and I. I think I'll start setting aside money for my Hangover Heaven fund right now.

TJ with the assist.

Jostle-Proof

This is an invention I've been waiting for for years now. Thank you, Hahn.

Ice Man Shooteth

Do you like shots? Of course you do. Do you like your shots cold? Fuck yeah. But getting an ice cube into a shot glass is tricky. But what if... What if the shot glass was MADE of ice?

I give you Cool Shooters. $10 (plus shipping & handling) can bring your dreams to reality. As the folks at Busted Tees so extensively explain:

Fill Cool Shooters with water, freeze, and then pop out four fully-formed frozen shot glasses.

And the best part? No clean up. When you're done, toss the "glass" into a sink and 10 minutes later it's disappeared. Now if only they could create drunk slores that do the same.

I kid, I kid ladies.

*shakes his head and mouths "no I'm not" to the fellas*

Table Games

One of the bigger drawbacks to growing older is being forced to give up some of the fun you had in your younger days. Once you're finally in a place where you can afford all of the good booze—so long Beast, hello Sam Adams!—getting snockered on it during an epic, all-day Madden tournament is suddenly uncouth. Why should growing up mean giving up?

The folks at Man Tables [official site] have your back. Their finely-crafted end tables give the sophisticated appearance that peer pressure from the 9-5 world dictates you uphold, but beneath the surface lies a fully-functional mini fridge that any hardworking fella deserves.

Just imagine being able to watch the bowl games and not have to get up and grab another beverage from the kitchen. In this scenario both the man and the gentleman are appeased. The man is happy with his beverage in hand, while the gentleman is quietly satisfied knowing that his brother does not have one.

The Man Tables are available in three finishes; Tobacco, Espresso, and Black. Each of the three finishes are paired with hardware that accents the woods shine and luster. We offer the tables to be picked up or shipped anywhere in the U.S.

Simple, but brilliant. It's like having a career woman for a wife, who comes home and pulls off her power suit to reveal a French maid outfit. Sadly, those are much more difficult to find...and to afford. But at least now you can enjoy a cold beer from your end table during breaks in your search.

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

This is good ol' fashioned American ingenuity at its best. Kellyann Wargo, a University of Michigan senior, needs money for the booze. Who doesn’t? So she’s decided to get paid for doing what she does best—picking up the slutty ladies of Ann Arbor in the morning, after they’ve done god’s work with their random hookups the night before.

From Bro Bible:

I have a particularly friendly roommate (Amanda) who takes advantage of my access to the mom van [sic] that I drive- I have it for work. She always texts me to pick her up in the morning and then I make her buy me McDonalds for payment. With spring break quickly approaching I realized I can't keep eating McDonalds the way I do. She suggested I make a business out of it because she, like many girls, doesn't want to call a taxi that takes forever and is usually some sort of father figure, middle aged man, driver.

I fully support anything that encourages drunk coeds to let their not-so-inner-slut out. Though I would point out, Kellyann, that your pledge of discretion is somewhat undermined by how casually you just outted Amanda. (Amanda, if you’re reading this…scream at me.) And throwing in the Plan B coupon? Sheer genius.

Now can someone please start a service like this in Shadyside?

Requiem for a Dream

This is quite brilliant, really. I may have Mr. Sandvoss build one of these for me. Not sure which would be the better part: Showing off the finished product, or drinking the 318 beers needed for building material.

From The Huffington Post:

New Zealand carpenter Steve Sandvoss saved a year's worth of beer bottles in his garage. When deciding what to do with them, he opted to take on a man's highest dream and make it a reality by building a bed out of beer bottles.

The resulting frame used 212 large and 106 small Heineken bottles and took 20 hours to make. The most intoxicating aspect is the fluorescent lights Sandvoss installed at the base of the bed, giving the green bottles an alien glow in the darkness. See more images of the glowing green bed frame on Trade Me here.

The bed sold online for over $3,000, exceeding the reserve price by $500. The cash will help pay for his upcoming wedding, although Sandvoss won't let it go without second thoughts. "I think I'll get really emotional when I sell it," he said to The Dominion Post. Who knew beer beds were so romantic? Perhaps he can also begin investing in supplies for his next big carpentry endeavor. (We're waiting for the phrase "I'm busy working on my beer bed" to catch on...)

If you plan on spending any time in the US soon, Mr. Sandvoss, let me know. Until then I'll be busy working on my beer bed.

'Tis the Seasoning

Here's another one on the ol' Xmas List. Tequila shot glasses made of salt. Yup.

From Salt Therapy at Home's product page:

This beautiful and functional set will be the perfect conversation starter for your party or decorative accent for your home. The set of six tequila shot glasses and tray are an elegant work of art that will grace any sideboard or tabletop. Carved from naturally beautiful Himalayan pink crystal salt, the lovely striated pattern perfectly complements any decor. The naturally anti-bacterial surface requires minimal maintenance, and your long-lasting carved salt glasses will add elegance and fun to many a friendly shot or business deal! You'll be amazed how the rich taste of Himalayan crystal salt enhances the flavor of your favorite tequila like table salt never did!

This is a great idea, but one with a couple of drawbacks. First, these shot glasses have a limited use. If you're not drinking tequila, then I doubt you want salt interfering with the drinking experience. And, second, I would imagine they have an expiration point. They say long-lasting, but that's vague; and, certainly, they won't last as long as their glass and plastic counterparts.

But, in the end, if you're someone who takes pride in his or her personal bar, and who enjoys tequila, this is a must-own. Just don't leave it where your pet moose can get to it.

The "Morning After" Tablet

This qualifies as an "On the Rocks" post, but definitely goes on my Xmas List; therefore, it's getting posted on both Crooked Straight pages.

The latest miracle drug to hit the market is Blowfish, and it's sure to pique the interests of my fellow fans of "the booze". From NYDailyNews.com:

The over-the-counter drug cocktail combines 1,000 milligrams of aspirin, 120 milligrams of caffeine and a stomach-soothing agent into two effervescent tablets taken the morning after a night of heavy drinking.

Once dissolved in water, the remedy claims to knock out multiple hangover symptoms in just 15 to 30 minutes.

“The magic of the effervescent tablet is that it hits your system much faster than getting a cup of coffee, taking an antacid and taking some aspirin separately,” she said.

...Blowfish runs $2.99 for a single dose, or $11.99 for a six-pack. It is currently available in Ricky’s NYC stores or online at ForHangovers.com, which offers free shipping and 24-hour courier service in Manhattan. The tablets will hit Duane Reade shelves in January.

The "she" in the quote above is the product's creator, Brenna Haysom. And it would appear Ms. Haysom is a gal out to steal my heart:

“So many people see hangovers as a shameful or embarrassing thing. I think of them as just a fact of life,” said Brenna

Hmmm, maybe this should've been a "wifey material" post...

Apple Sauced

From the Sultan of Boozing, Zane Lamprey:

A wise man once said, "Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, never fear." I like to test out that theory from time to time around Halloween—it’s just quality control.

Come the 31st, I won’t be bobbing for apples. I’ll be turning them into shot glasses! What can I say? I’m a festive guy. Just twist the shot carver into a piece of fruit—like a pear or a baby pumpkin. Hell, you could even use a cucumber.

Out comes the core with enough room for a shot of your favorite booze.

Zane is also generous enough to provide a special shot recipe to fill your new Golden Delicious shot glasses:

Poison Apple Shot Recipe

Ingredients:

1 oz Frangelico
1 oz Vodka

Directions:

Pour ingredients over ice in a shaker. Shake and strain into a shot a shot glass....or apple's if you're using this nifty shot carver.

Not sure why I've never thought of doing something like this before. Hell, we've all seen weedheads turn apples into bongs. Why should boozehounds be left out of the fun? And, if you're the religious type, (which would be a bit of a shock to me, considering you're reading a blog devoted to debauchery), might I suggest using an apple shot to do a Snake Bite? Just a thought.

The Liquid Diet

Sometimes simply drinking your booze isn't quite enough. While at least one of the five items on this list of alcoholic dishes is sure to be well-known among our readers, the others look intriguing. Especially the first one:

Gin paper

Is there anything more useless than a cocktail napkin? Well, bartender Ryan Moore decided to fix that by making the napkin out of gin. It all started with a mistake. According to The Daily, Moore, a bartender at Rogue 24 in Washington, D.C., was trying to concoct an alcohol foam to place over food when he accidentally heated and created a thin film that, when dried, turned into a thin, solid paper made entirely of gin and cellulose. Just don’t try to write your phone number on it.

I think they may have made a mistake, however: They omitted Chef Matt Levin, whose culinary exploration of Four Loko is certainly worthy of consideration.