The Best of That Which Was 2013

I’ve messed with the year-end list concept once before. It got old for me about five minutes after I finished the post. But nostalgia can intoxicate you as well as any bottle of scotch ever could, and the final couple of weeks of every year are full of it (and full of scotch, if you’re lucky). Toasting to the days that passed, awaiting the inevitable tide of ones to come, and such. So, skipping the ceremony and pageantry oft associated with these types of posts, let’s raise our glasses to 2013’s best.


Best Drink
I discovered the Papa Doble. To be more specific, I discovered Simon Difford’s recipe, which calls for four and a quarter shots of booze to two of lime and grapefruit juice. That’s over six shots of powerful, sour fuel charging its way into your veins.

More often than not, I’ve only mixed them up on quiet nights in, where I know I’m the only one I’m endangering with this high octane. Once or twice, though, I’ve kicked off turnt up nights with a couple of Papas. And each time I’ve awoken the next morning wondering why the fuck I did that, while I carefully check the building for bodies.


Best Life Lesson
Stupidity is expensive.

I’ll get to the “What I Learned This Summer” post later [If you thought it would be posted before January…well, then you must be new to the site. Welcome! Have a Papa Doble!], but half of the summer of ’13 was dominated by learning that previous statement. It seems like it should be an obvious concept, especially when you’re 34. But then I ran shin-first into a fire hose fitting.

It seems like it should be obvious…


Best Decision
2013 was the year I finally grew out a beard. And now I don’t know what life would be without it. I started it during the Penguins’ playoff run in May. Of course, that’s also when I learned about “playoff bushes,” so…call it a draw.

Most Improved at the Twitterz
Dupa learned to live tweet his drunken moments, and it’s everything I had dreamt it could be when he first opened a Twitter account. Just read the sequence from the start of his flight to Hong Kong earlier yesterday. (Click on the images to the right; for the Twitter-illiterate, read from bottom-up, beginning with the bottom picture—which, coincidentally, has a picture of a bottom in it. #BottomPicCeption. For the Twitter vets, yes “@CS_Defi” is my new handle.)

That’s pure, 100%, raw uncut Dupa. I’m just mad he didn’t make use of the inflight Wi-Fi to keep the viewing experience going. Now we’ll never know if he took his pants off and danced around the cabin.

…He probably took off his pants and danced around the cabin.



Most Improved Wifeyness
I’ve loved Aubrey Plaza since the first few episodes of Parks and Recreation. But this year she made me mentally propose.

Some say her drunken debacle at the MTV Movie Awards was faked. Some say it was real. Honestly, either way I’m impressed. You’re telling me a beautiful, funny young actress either (a.) got so irreversibly party-drunk that she tried to wrestle an award away from someone onstage, or (b.) did such an incredible job of acting drunk that no one immediately questioned whether or not she was? Sign me up. I love me some Aubrey.

Most Fun I Had Involving Naked Women
Bareoke Night happened for my crew eight months ago. How it hasn’t happened again is completely beyond me. Everything ridiculous and boozily hilarious happens there, and therefore there is where I wanna be.


Best Morning After Meal
DeLuca’s. Madone. Trust me, if you show up hungover and find a line, just wait there in it. You’ll thank me once you’re in a seat with a plate full of amazing in front of you.


Best Birthday Mayhem
Leave it to TD and Boy Toy; for her birthday party, they put together a huge scavenger hunt across the South Side to be completed by their friends. Six or seven teams raced every which way between bars lining Carson St., getting strangers involved with our tasks. I mean, really involved. After the contest was over, everyone retreated to the home of the birthday girl and her boyfriend, where folks continued drinking themselves senseless.


Best Job of Convincing Me to Do What I Shouldn’t
When it’s 11 pm on a work night and you’re at the bar, you’re inevitably faced with a decision: “Go” or “No Go.” The smart money, of course, is on “No Go.” But the simple fact that you’re faced with the question tells me that you’re not familiar with smart decisions. Which means you’re like me—specifically, like me this past Thursday.

MoFo, Jed, T.C., and Hurley were out at Shady Grove that night. And though I caught up with them expecting to be in my bed by midnight, a few Manhattans and words of peer pressure had me piling into Hurley’s car to head to Cain’s in Dormont. I awoke on Hurley’s couch at 7:42 a.m., texted my manager to tell her I’d be a little late getting in, and spent the rest of the day hating myself and my friends, and all that was life.


Biggest Mystery
Seriously, what the hell happened to my Timb lace?


Salud.

Social Drinking Excellence: Aubrey Plaza

I'm conflicted; this is ever-so-obviously deserving of a Rummy Award, but I really want to make this post a "Wifey Material". I've had a crush on Miss Plaza for years, and seeing her get ridiculously drunk and stupid...does things to me.

Don't judge me...

The Rummy-winning performance:

Get More:
2013 MTV Movie Awards, Latest Movie News

From the USA Today:

Parks and Recreation star Aubrey Plaza stepped onstage while Will Ferrell was accepting his MTV Golden Popcorn Comedic Genius trophy.

She had #The To Do List, the name of her new movie, written on her chest. Ferrell, who was dressed in a suit made of dollar-bill fabric, had just been speaking of his dreams to make people laugh and "dress like Dennis Rodman," in his acceptance speech.

A barefoot Plaza, carrying a drink, walked up on stage and tried to take the trophy. But Ferrell wouldn't let it go, so the actress, who said nothing, put her head down and scurried back to her seat in the front row, where she spilled her drink and then sat there.

Oh, Aubrey. Let me count the ways I love thee.

1. The look on her face when the camera comes in for a close-up at the end...oh, we all know that one, don't we? That's the look of "I'm the asshole? ...I'm the asshole."
2. Follow Peter Dinklage's eyes from the start of the video. Then try to picture what's going on in his mind.
3. A hypothetical scenario: You're dating a beautiful, up-and-coming Hollywood actress. She invites you to escort her to the MTV Movie Awards. The two of you pregame before the show—of course—and then start making use of the open bar once you get there. By halfway through the event, you've been doing backstrokes in Belvedere for a few hours. You're fine, but your lady? Not so much. You're half charmed by her ultra-goofy drunken alter-ego, and half shocked that you're not the one asking Kim Kardashian if her fetus has had to refute claims of getting ass implants yet. But through all of it you just laugh. Who cares if insecure celebs can't take a joke? Besides, you've got front row seats, and your woman is looking sexy in her dress. And you know she's going to jump you in the limo (hopefully before she throws up and passes out, which are also definitely going to happen). Then, halfway through Will Ferrell's acceptance speech, she pops up out of her chair and heads for the stage. By the time she gets back to her seat, you see security guards headed your way.
   
   
   In that moment when the ushers direct her to the exit, do you (a.) grab her purse, trot out of the theater behind her, and wonder if the limo sex will be even hotter now; or (b.) lean back in your chair, look over to the person sitting next to you and say loudly, "Thank god she's gone. Some people just don't know how to handle themselves..."?
4. ...asking for a friend.



These two feel me.

5. There's the off chance, scripted as this looks in the beginning, that this was supposed to be a bit. But even if that was the case, it still just means that the whole thing got derailed by her being absolutely shlammered.
   
6. Bonus points for being barefoot. No truly epic drunken deeds happen while fully-shoe'd.
7. Was anyone else expecting Leslie Knope to come running up behind her and pull her off the stage?
8. Give her credit for joking about it not too long after on Twitter, although...
9. How did she sober up that quickly?
10. ...Oh yeah—she got kicked out of the awards show. That tends to accelerate your road to recovery.

If I know my girl, she'll shrug it off and keep it moving. In reality, this is all just a bump in the road. What I've read of The To Do List sounds promising, and Parks and Rec just keeps growing in popularity.

Your Rummy's in the mail, Aubrey, along with half of a gold heart pendant—the other half is hanging from a chain around my neck.