Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Drink with the Fishes

Have you ever sat at a nice restaurant with a delicious salmon dish in front of you, and thought to yourself, "Man, I wish I could drink this"? Well, my friend, you are in luck. And weird.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla just recently launched its Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka, about a year after the Seattle-based Black Rock Spirits introduced a bacon-flavored vodka.

Both savory spirits were intended to complement Bloody Marys, but are finding wider uses among mixologists.

I was completely on-board with bacon-infused vodka (how could I not be? It's bacon, son!), but I'll admit this one has me a little skeptical. But there still remains a significant adventurist streak in me, and I'm eager to get my first taste of this strange, but intriguing new creation. However, if you're someone who's hesitant about the taste of salmon-flavored vodka, keep one thing in mind: the liquid that they pour into your glass is the final product. Imagine how much worse it would be to be an Alaska Distillery taste tester.
Foster and Scotti MacDonald, another partner, said the current formula took 48 tries, and some of the first 47 attempts were downright disgusting.

"Definitely the first few times we had our heave bucket close by," MacDonald said. "It was pretty bad, and you know, greasy."

I bet "vodka distillery taste tester" sounded like a dream job before reading that.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Truck Down -- Man Up

Chief Wiggum: "I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8!"
Lou: [on the radio] "We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels!"

June 16, 2009 (CHICAGO) (WLS) -- An overturned Miller Lite truck caused major gaper delays during the morning rush hour Tuesday...

...The truck slipped off the ramp and into the nearby ditch, spilling 40 tons of beer products.

Miller missed a great opportunity for the world's first live, reality-TV beer commercial.

Such a waste of an opportunity. And...*wipes a tear*

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Getting Dressed—You're Doing It Wrong

I smell a Tosh.0 "Web Redemption" coming this guy's way. I've never been THIS drunk before.

Okay, that's a lie. I've been that drunk plenty of times. I've just never confused my shorts for a shirt.

Okay, okay, okay...I have, but never on camera. ...That I know of. Shit. *checks YouTube*

Don't Sleep

...'cause sleep is the cousin of death. And of ocean travel, apparently.

From The Huffington Post:
A man who apparently passed out on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile from Florida's shore in the Gulf of Mexico.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued the man, identified as Jerry Whipple, on Wednesday afternoon.

Coast Guard Petty Officer First Class Mariana O'Leary says they suspect the man was very drunk.

No word on whether or not he was covered in oil when they retrieved him.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Internet Drunk H.o.F.

I can hardly wait until my induction ceremony. I think I'll have Juli do my introduction speech (after which, I would likely take the podium and say, "I don't know that young lady, but I thank her for her kind words...and this glass of Hulk.").

But the beauty of people we know only through internet video is that they’ll never get sober. They exist forever as stumbling, slurring, microwave burrito-eating reminders that our own alcoholism isn’t that bad (or at least not that captured on video).

The Awesome Internet Drunk Hall of Fame

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Brews & Notes

Something feels different; I can't quite put my finger on it. It's almost as though the world around me has changed dramatically. Or, as TD said to me, innocently and plainly, after a month or so away from the page, "Why does the blog look different?"

Yes, we here at Crooked Straight like to keep things fresher than a Catholic Priest at a Boy Scouts of America meeting (yeah, I said it). So what do you think of our new window dressing? Same awesome stories, now being told you via a more eye-pleasing format. It's like the staff at your favorite bar going from this: this:

That's right—the new On the Rocks is a big-tittied woman convincing you that one more $10 Long Island Iced Tea won't hurt you. Who cares if your girlfriend is waiting at the restaurant down the street? She only wants to drone on and on about how her friends are all sluts who hate her because she's prettier than them. But On the Rocks doesn't bore you with such nonsense. It understands you, and just wants you to be happy. It loves your musk. When this is all over, you and On the Rocks should get an apartment together...

...Or something like that—I kind of lost control of that metaphor. Sorry.

Reminder, you can follow yours truly on Twitter now (@crkstr_defi). Even newer to the Tweetosphere is K Lew (@kevfocusgroup). Ride with us.

Last but not least, thought all of you might enjoy this blog by my girls at Don't be UNDATEABLE Pittsburgh. I've spoken before about the perils—most of which are hilarious—that come from TWI (texting while intoxicated) violations. In the latest look through the eyes of two sexy twenty-somethings treading the social waters of 2010, Gayle examines what drives us to only share our innermost thoughts when six rounds under.
Let me paint you a little picture: You’ve had a few Cosmos and instantly sending something you would never send sober seems like a perfectly logical move. Suddenly, you find yourself professing your love or occasional disdain for another as easy as ordering the next round of cocktails. Few situations are as mortifying as waking up to an Outbox full of messages worthy of posting on the site ‘Texts from Last Night.’ At what point did I ever think that sending a message that read like a line out of a Nicholas Sparks novel was a prudent choice? In all likelihood it was probably about the same time that I ordered my 6th Guinness and 2nd round of Jager Bombs….

Is it really any surprise that these are the peoples I choose to associate with? 'Til next time. Salud.